kellementology

You gotta love Google. After being extremely pissed off because my scale had less than rewarding news for me this morning after what I would consider an extremely heart-felt level of dedication throughout Week 1 of the Phoodplan, well, ahem, not counting St. Patrick’s day and the Murphy’s and the Guinness and the chardonnay, I’m really questioning this business of

calories and fat burning. See what I mean?  And what’s up with the name of the scale anyway?  Is it mocking me?  Oh, I get it.  I’m supposed to think thinner.  Having a skinny brain probably won’t be helpful.

So back to Google.

I did my little search for “calories in wine” this morning and lo and behold, there’s actually a website that has that exact information with a variety of wines listed. Of course this person is selling something, and no, I don’t have anything to do with her or whatever she has going on, but I did see at the bottom of the page that her gig has something to do with fat loss for idiots, so that must be me. Except wait. We’re going to do the math.

Here’s the problem: Betty loves wine. Betty loves wine because her friends the party chix used to give her the business about drinking pink wine, so Betty decided to learn about wine, try lots of different kinds from different regions of different countries, and well, drink more wine. So now, Betty likes wine so much that she drinks an average of 21 glasses of wine each week. Now, everyone will tell you that a glass of wine is 4 ounces, but gimmeabreak. It’s eight. So let’s see, that’s 21 glasses a week times 8 ounces for each glass, so that’s 168 ounces of wine a week. How many ounces of wine are in a gallon? I’m picturing that plastic milk jug and it’s not looking glamorous. Oh — math — right. So, Chardonnay has 90 calories for a four ounce serving, times 2 because that’s a REAL serving, so 180 calories for ONE glass.

If Betty is drinking an average of 21 glasses of wine a week and each glass is 180 calories, that’s 3780 calories from wine in one week. Now here’s the question. How fat is Betty?

Okay, back to me. So last week (Week #1 of my Phoodplan), I drank two glasses of wine (we won’t calculate the beer just yet). That’s about 400 calories. Even with the beer thrown in, you can see that this is quite a HUGE difference — a 3000 calorie difference. And I haven’t even begun to blather hysterically about the portion control on my food, the health-smackin’ quality of my meals and snacks. Picture the mountain troll in Harry Potter howling with discontent after Harry shoved his wand up it’s nose. Oh. And what about all that exercise? If I was sitting on my butt the entire previous week, and walked, used weights, stretched, in Week #1, then WHAT GIVES?

We did the math, right? WELL THE MATH IS WRONG, OKAY? So calorie-fat-burning-science bullshitters are you listening? Put this where the sun don’t shine and rotate at will while the ice cream truck song is playing.

I’m going to start coughing up hairballs. No, wait. That doesn’t work for Precious. Okay, so far today:

2 coffees, NO SUGAR (blech) and lite powder creamer

1 c. 0%fat greek yogurt

1/4 c. trail mix (dried cranberries, almonds, walnuts, pineapple, raisins)

8 oz. H20

If Betty doesn’t lose weight, at least she’ll have some spending money after not buying all that wine.