kellementology

Don’ t you just love the Internet? Where else can you drag your sorry, but slowly diminishing lard ass out of bed and go, without changing your clothes or brushing your teeth, after the RT and MoH have gone for the day?

After you realize, squintingly, that the sun is finally, finally up and shining for real with nary a puffy cloudlett in the sky.

After you’ve fed the Yackstress and her gonadless consort…

…and given the Fleabus her Milkbone for going pee on the patio like a good doggo.

After you’ve made your coffee, but are way tooooo lazy to make your “have to eat” breakfast and spy the fortune cookie on the counter. How long has it been since we ordered Chinese? No matter. You grab the cookie, fumbling with the wrapper, wondering what your fortune will say and push away the nasally remembered voice of some person you used to know nagging, “You have to eat the cookie first or your fortune won’t come true.” Whatever.

I just want to know what it says. And it isn’t about anthing on that paper coming true, it’s just about seeing what it says so I can think about it. And eat that cookie. Which falls on the floor and breaks into many, little pieces. I reach for the big one to rescue it, maybe to eat it — because no one is going to see me eating off the floor — and the doggo has arrived to snarf up all the pieces. I’m left wondering how she can actually do that so quickly, leaving me with only this slip of paper that says, “Ignorance never settles a question.” Hmmm…

So, my work has been laid out for me.

It’s up to the Internet I go to get an answer to a question that has been nagging us for weeks. What is up with this kid still being on stage? Is it a plot? Are we being hornswaggled? Or are there just too many tweens to contend with?

I Googled Sunjaya’s hair — not oogled — and it garners me 198 hits. Not bad. I was worried that there would be more like 128,000, but no. There are only a few schmucks in the grander scheme of things this morning, like me, wanting to know what’s up with San- not Sun- jaya’s hair. I never get his name right. The RT has given up correcting me. Last night he just gave me that pshish smirk. It seems I have arrived at that dumbmother point in life.

The Internet rewards me with my first click on this edgy topic. Some person who calls himself “couch potato” says: “I’m a neck man and Sanjaya has just about the prettiest neck I’ve ever seen. It’s long and womanly. That’s worth about 100 votes from me every week.”

Huh?

He can vote 100 times?

Really? Are you allowed to vote 100 times?

Don’t these people have anything to do?

What? Don’t look at me.

But then I am vindicated when, on a different site, a much younger human than I states, “COME ON!! That was just hilarious I almost peed my pants … it was so funny because I thought his performance last week reminded me of a rabid squirrel and then poor the squirrel is dead and on his head … ok … ”

Or another site where the responder was more succinct: “Sanjaya — Trainwreck.” Or here, “Now I’m getting a better look at Sunjaya’s… [See? He can’t spell it either]… head and…well, what should we call this look? The retarded rooster? It’s obvious that the evil little marionette realizes that gimmicks are his only hope for staying in this game.”

And it’s great to know that MoH can monitor investments while reading up on the latest Idol buzz here: “Malakar put his long flowing brown hair into a mock Mohawk… [Come on. Get it right, bud. It’s a Faux Hawk according to Paula. Didn’t you hear her last night?]…His rendition of No Doubt’s “Bathwater” was weird. Simon Cowell summed it up perfectly when he said that at this point it doesn’t matter what the judges say about Malakar.”

The Boston Herald provides a less colorful angle in their online version here.

I could keep going, but will spare you. With the exception of “couch potato” quoted above — well, and his gospel choir director in the Herald piece — I could find NO ONE who had anything positive to say about him.

And there’s a site where you can vote for the loser? What’s up with that? Okay, so I’m a couple of years slow on the uptake. Gimmeabreak.

But at least I have now confirmed that others have the same opinion that I do on this issue. Which means I’m not as ignorant as I was earlier today.

And you know what they say about lemmings, right? Or is that misery and company?