life according to me

Month: July 2007

Salon today, gone tomorrow.

Okay. Let’s hunker down and discuss the really important things in life. Like hair. Think about it. Why else would someone have come up with the concept of a “Bad Hair Day?”

I’ve taken it to new levels.

I guess it’s time to confess that I was given a lovely head of hair. Goodness knows, I grow enough of it that I should donate it to others who are in need. My two nieces did a few years ago. They had their ponies cut off and donated them to Locks of Love, an organization that provides hairpieces to disadvantaged kids suffering from medical problems that cause long term hair loss. A rather noble and unselfish gesture — and their idea — for girls so young.

No one would want my pony. It’s rather scraggly right now, as I’ve developed the habit of washing my hair at night and then getting into bed with it wet. By the morning, it’s dry, and I haphazardly run a brush through it and wrap a band around it before heading downstairs and out for my walk like I did today. This isn’t a habit I’ve developed since becoming a house potato. I started it years ago because the whole idea of taking a shower each morning, and washing my hair before leaving for work at 6:15 was just too much to imagine taking on.

I have a thatch of hair. It’s not straight, and not curly. A bit like me. Every hair dresser I’ve had has commented on the amount of hair I have, like it’s something wonderful. Try drying it when it belongs to you. Try making it behave. Try getting it to lay smoothly when it’s humid, or fall silkily to your shoulders when that’s the thing one is supposed to do with one’s hair. It has a mind of its own. Like me. It used to be blonde when I was young. White, actually. And the more time I spent in the sun, the lighter it became. It was incredibly long, also. If I remember correctly, my first hair cut took place when I was eight years old. I begged and begged to be rid of the braids my hair was woven into daily. I wanted short hair. I wanted curly hair. I wanted brown hair. I wanted someone else’s hair. Hair that people didn’t stare at and reach out to touch.

When we had to ready ourselves for church or a special occasion, out came the pink plastic and foam curlers. My mother locked them into my hair before going to bed, and just to make sure they stayed in place during the night, she’d pull a clean pair of cotton panties over my head. You do have an idea of how ridiculous this looked the next morning, don’t you, with twisted ropes of hair dangling from the panty leg holes, each sporting a pink curler in some stage of unbound glory. The very difficult thing about the roller business was that when unwound, the resulting curls were not exactly alike. One sausage ringlet was bent in the middle. Or after my hair was a bit shorter, one side of the upward flip would be lower than the other. Or one side of the page boy lacked a perfect face hugging scallop. Heaven forbid if one side flipped and the other flopped. They were never symmetrical. I hated them. I felt that everyone would notice. Such vanity for someone not wanting people to notice her.

Clearly, that is not my problem now. Well, I thought not.

Today, I’m finally cashing in on the gift certificate I was graciously given at Christmas. I’m going to the hair salon. The salon I frequented for four years every six to eight weeks. The salon where my two lovely guys still toil and gossip. The guys I haven’t seen since last August. I can imagine they’re going to either not recognize me at all, or stop dead in their tracks and shriek with horror when they see my rat nest hair. Marco will wonder just how many shades of color it is. And Mark? I can’t imagine. Something along the lines of, “What were you thinking?” as he dares to lift one of my gnarled tresses. But I have my strategy planned. “Going grey,” I’ll glibly reply, and we’ll all laugh as the heavy equipment is rolled from the back room for my three-hour appointment. Yes, I have a lot of hair.

And how will it end up? I’m not sure because I haven’t ignored it to this length for more than 13 years. I’ve wondered a bit, about what it could look like even though I’ve become quite fond of winding it up in a comb or pushing it behind my ears.

This cut is cute, but I’d have to iron and fix it with my wiggly hair wanting to go everywhere. Why would I want to fix my hair? If I fixed my hair, it would make my face look badly. If I took the time to put on makeup, I’d have to think about my clothes. It’s an unfortunate sequence of events, if you ask me.

I like the color of this cut, but would probably not be able to put up with the sultry tufts hanging over my poutiness while I’m blogging. Or cleaning the toilets.

This one is cute, but I’ve had my hair cut this way quite often over the years since I was 16 — except not purple. A purple cow is coming to mind about now. I’d need a bell for my neck. Moooooo….

I could leave it long and have it layered like this, but I’d need a face transplant to go with it. And a battery operated fan to roll in front of me where ever I wander.

Or sign up for reincarnation.

But I completely have to avoid helmet hair. It could never be me — or anyone else, for that matter. Do they take it off at night? And where do you hang it after it’s washed?
I’m tempted to do this, since my face is oval and the hair style police say it’s a good cut for me.

But this, or even this is more likely because the body police say that even though short would look great with my face, I need substance on my head to balance out my curves on the remaining 99% of my body.

So I will have to apply my makeup carefully today, and bring some order to my hair in much the same way one might clean one’s house before the maid arrives. I will have to find a pair of cute capris, and a summery top. Put my chin in the air and proceed with an air of I’m so comfortable doing this…

Or, I could wear a bag over my head and save myself some time.

It would be a challenge to get down the hill, however.

July 13, 2007
Ah ONE and a…stroke….stroke…gasp.

I was invited by my VBF to swim in The Cove again yesterday. And I was going to go. I really was. But that sinking feeling was there. The one that I felt the other day before I swam. The one that never really went away even though I enjoyed my swim in the ocean. The one that, if I thought about it a bit, could grow into a full fledged anxiety attack. I can just tell…

But I chickened out this time. I told my VBF I was sorry, and that by all means, she and my VGF should talk some serious smack about my chicken-ness while they were enjoying their swim in the ocean. Being the grand person she is, however, my VBF said we could get kick boards and do some laps in one of the pools our complex has access to. And she hates pools.

Relief. Big fat chicken squawking relief. Bwaaaaaaaaahk. Bwahkbwahk-bwaahk. Whatever.

So I got on my erg instead. You know — one of those rowing machines. The one I talked the MoH out of I don’t even remember how many years ago. The one I used to “row” on regularly — oh, for about a whole month — with earbuds in place, the garage door open, and a fairly gorgeous panoramic East County neighborhood view that would lull me into sitting on the damn thing for at least 30 minutes. And because I did spend some time actually learning to row on real water with real people — eight, even — I could almost schmooze myself into thinking I was actually skimming over the water in the bay. While in my garage. I know. Everyone who wants to sell swamp land in Florida, I’m your guy. Yah. Uh-huh.

That erg. The one I sort of have to peer at through squinty eyes to try and remember if I like. So I borrowed the MoH’s Sony disc player which also has radio stations I can tune to. I found some less than attractive stretchy pants in my closet I bought and have never worn because they’re aqua colored. It was a lapse of judgement, okay? I popped the garage door open a quarter of the way ~~so the neighbors wouldn’t stare at me~~ to let air in, and wiped the inch of accumulated dust off the erg.

Shoved the Sony in the back of my waistband… adjusted the earbuds and volume. Punched the tuning button until I recognized a voice…Oprah? On the radio? Huh.

Secured my tennie clad feet into the velcro straps, and pushed “reset” on the info screen.

Settled my butt on the seat, took stock of my inspirational view of the Grease Behemoth BBQ we still haven’t unloaded on my left, and the side of my car that I hadn’t realized was dinged up as much as it is on my right. Partial view of the nanny van across the street at twelve o’clock. Ready?

I Tried a stroke or two, and adjusted the tension.

Went back through my mental rolodex on the proper form and sequence….legs, arms, back, snap….okay….GO.

Hmmm…I don’t remember my stomach getting in the way when I used to do this. Suck it in, Betty. Oh, this is just a bit awkward. Ooofff. You can do it! Atta gurrrrllllll.

Oprah, “blahblahblahblah….”

Should my thighs come apart when I get to the catch, or the release or whatever the hell it is? Do I just not slide down as far? Ugh. Maybe I can kind of do an alternating shift to the right, then to the left. Belly to the left. Lard gut to the right. Ooo…The twinges where my incisions were are a tad gross. Eww…

Oprah’s guests, “blahblahblahblah….”

Ummph. Grunt. Strain. To the left. To the right. Stroke… Stroke. At least the freakin’ thing doesn’t squeak anymore. Ohmygawd…30 more seconds and I’m done. GASP! Ten….Five….

I lasted five minutes. FIVE whopping minutes. Sweat, pumping heart, gasping for breath. FIVE. I didn’t bother to look at the “calories burned” screen because it was probably 4. Crap, I absorb 4 calories walking into the kitchen.

And the Sony ended up completely down the back of my drawers which upon inspection resembled some kind of a lid to my rear end. Not attractive. But funny.

The water in The Cove would have been much nicer. Bwahk…

But the pool is right down the street. So guess where I’m going today?

After I spend another 5 sweaty minutes on my erg.

Update:Â 10 laps in the pool.Â No erg.Â Urp.

July 12, 2007
If I want it…

In the movie Field of Dreams, there is a line that goes something like this: If you build it, they will come. I know the character that mulls over these words is thinking about baseball, but I’m thinking those words apply to life in general. And I’ve been known to bend those words a bit to suit my own purposes saying things like: If you spend it, it will come. But I’m trying not to do that as much as I used to considering the MoH is the one paying the bills. And I have no need for the things I used to. But it’s an interesting concept, don’t you think?

It implies that if you are someone who is willing to think that there will always be more, then there most likely will be. I know what you’re thinking. There are people who have very little and I’m being glib about something quite serious. Yes, I also know there’s fine line between being a spendthrift and being optimistic. Deciding how you’ll walk that line is another interesting concept. The idea, of course, is to live with an eye to possibilities instead of constantly grousing about what you don’t have.

So apply this ~~esoteric thinking~~ drivel to my work today. Call it priming my creative pump. Call it learning to love Photoshop. Call it educational: enjoyable, thoughtful, interesting. Time-consuming.

Call it……Avoidance.

Aren’t most of the tasks we engage in to avoid other, less mesmerizing responsibilities, fun? I truly remember rejoicing in my dust ball collecting when I was writing my Master’s Thesis. Or picking lint off of the carpet while being less than diligent about studying for final exams in college. Grabbing the feather duster to flick away that hard to reach cobweb, or streak of barely discernible dust on the bookshelf. This is no different.

But it’s worse.

I have no real deadline for getting anything done. I’m at my own mercy. I’m armed and dangerous with a real attitude on life about having a frame of mind on possibilities. About knowing that if I think positively about something I want badly, something that matters to me deeply….it happens. It does. Am I charmed? Most likely not. These things don’t fall from the sky.

What are they? These things, these possibilities? If I peer carefully enough, will I see them now? Are they right in front of me, and I haven’t noticed? What is it I really want?

Monster keeps bothering me with their less than interesting crumbs. The idea of putting a suit on makes me itchy. Leave the house every single day? It would most likely only take a few days to get used to it again. But giving in to something like that is most likely the real avoidance. Taking a job will keep me from having to pinpoint those possibilities now that I can.

Now that I have no reason not to.

But I’d rather play with my Mac. I can’t take credit for the Pig-Big, though. The RT did that. I’ll bet you didn’t know the RT was a farm kid, did you? I told you The Big didn’t really look like a dog.

I’m thinking a line of greeting cards… See how quickly I can change the subject? Oh, and don’t forget. I cook, too. That’s why I should have a spot in one of these photos for my not-so-sleek self. But you should see my creme brulee….Ooooooo you have no idea how good it was.

Okay, how about a little cafe of my own?Â With pig greeting cards.Â And dogs allowed.Â You can tell I don’t want a job, right?

July 11, 2007
Where in Hell did the day go this time?
Do you know what’s worse than being a dedicated blogger, don’t you? Being a dedicated cook. A cook with a cooking blog. And what could possibly top that? Having said blogs and having your husband at home for a week. It isn’t that he’s here that causes the problem — it’s the hopping and moving and shaking. You know. Going places and doing things. So blogging in general causes the first round of why the hell my house looks the way it does, and the MoH being on vacation mode (a much deserved one btw) really sends the ol’ hacienda over the edge. Over the edge and into the dump. The good thing about all of this? We’ve done every thing there is to do, so now the RT and I can grow roots for the rest of the summer. Trick.

So what did I do today with resolve to shower first thing, read the paper to ~~stay abreast of cutting edge news~~ find something blogworthy, exercise, and get some much needed house projects done — which really means make a bigger mess than already exists. What did I do? I’ve been checking out other’s blogs. For TWO HOURS. There is simply not enough time in the day to do what I want to do. I find that to be a problem. I could use an additional six hours to take care of my responsibilities. The list grows as I write:
1. Revamp my Phoodplan. Let’s face it, I was doomed to failure from the start. But there’s more to it. Does it make sense that for eight weeks I was excellent. On the job — well, okay, four. Four serious weeks, with four more of a dwindling, oozing kind of problem. But still. My VBF did come around again, we did start walking at the crack of freaking dawn again, and after getting within spitting distance (if you’re a weak spitter) of the magical 10 lubs lost mark, I popped up four lubs. So being the human I am, I flipped the flying bird to the Thinner bitch in my bathroom and stopped measuring and writing, and doing everything related to the Phoodplan except walk — a few miles a day at least five days a week. And guess what? I stayed the same. How can that be? So today (after diligently eating branflakes with 1% and blueberries……and later two pieces of raisin cinnamon toast……with butter &@#$***&$@%%%%%…..)I’m going to revise what I said I’d do. And hell no, I’ll not lose 50 lubs by September. But that shouldn’t be the goal. More later. sounds noble, doesn’t it?
2. Clean my refrigerator. You should see it. Really. We’re at the “shoving it in and slamming the door before everything else falls out” code mold stage of non-Martha-ness with our refrigerator. My middle son dropped by the other day, opened the fridge to get some milk and after lining up a few cartons on the counter asked, “So what kind of a problem are you guys having with milk?” with a smirk on his face. I let him know that it’s not a problem, but simple: whole milk for the ice cream recipe, 1% for my cereal, half ‘n’ half for the MoH’s tea, whipping cream for the creme brulee recipe, 2% for the RT and his addiction to chocolate milk, buttermilk for the sorbet recipe, and heavy cream for the chocolate cake recipe. Okay, so maybe it’s a problem.
3. Cook and post recipes from less fat laden sources. Not nearly as fun, and often not as tasty — but not always. My body and my refrigerator would be forever thankful. But the dairy council of American will most likely send a hit squad out to get me. Or I’ll have mad cows on my doorstep mooing in protest. On second thought, that may be more conducive to sleep than the army of lawnmowers and hedge cutters outside first thing this morning.
4. Get a job. Ugh. I don’t want a job. I’d like to earn some money occasionally, though. Or even routinely. That might be nice. I do remember it was swell to have a dollar in my wallet once in a while. Bear in mind I didn’t say I didn’t want to work. There’s a big difference between having a job and working. I should clarify by saying that I’d like to earn money in a less than typical eight-to-five way. I’m not going to mention too loudly the earn money from home thing, because I could write for an entire week about that racket and its related gimmicks, purple kool-aid drinkers, and downright scum-sucking scammers. I’ll save that story for another day, also. I’ll call it, “How Not to Be the Poster Child for the Work At Home Scam Sucker Born Last Minute.”
5. Try to get straight all the summer reality TV shows we’re watching. Really. I need a tote board or something. The person who used to scoff at others for wasting their time with such drivel. Me. Sanctimonious moi. “The Next Food Network Star,” “Top Chef,” “Hell’s Kitchen,” and “So You Think You Can Dance” all compete for our time. Thank goodness for our DVR. Otherwise, we’d have to watch….uh…..I dunno? Maybe we could each vanish into separate rooms in the house doing our own thing instead of being together in the family room familying like the good family we are. I haven’t written about any of these shows like I have in the past with American Noodle, but that isn’t because I haven’t wanted to. So much to say, so little time….But I will take the time to say this: I found someone who Giada drives as crazy as me. You know. That woman with the teeth and the cleevage who acts like she can cook. Check out Jerry’s well executed tirade at Cooking By the Seat of My Pants. I think he’s my hero.
6. Keep making progress on my pile o’ books. I’m experimenting with sidebar widgets because I less than love writing book reviews. Especially when I haven’t loved the book. It’s like kicking a dead horse. Well, maybe not all the time. But I’ve got to have some credibility, right? Let you know where I am with that pile. What’s shining, and what’s to be avoided — just in case you’re inclined to dash to the bookstore to ready a Pulitzer winner that’s five years old instead of the newest. Right? I just finished this and this, and am getting ready to read this . I just bought it. I know. I said I wouldn’t spend money for books. But I couldn’t resist. It’s a problem. Read, Spot, read. See Spot go.
7. Catch up and keep up with my food blog posts. They take freaking forever to write. And Typepad loads the photos soooooooo slowly. I have gazillions of photos of food I’ve made and only a fraction of them posted. It’s grueling. Salads, desserts, main dishes, breakfast food. *sigh* I believe I did find in my food blog surfing yesterday, a cool new flickr toy that will make it all so much easier — and eye appealing. I’ll get back to you on that one.
8. Say thanks to a few people on the internet who have recognized me….
- Mel at Freak Parade who I miss quite a bit, who has decided that I’m a Rockin’ Blogger. Woot! I wondered what that rumbling was all about. Does it help burn calories? Mel is an outstanding human whom I enjoy tremendously. Her blog makes me laugh, stirs me to frustrated anger, and makes me cry.
- Ev, the ever busy and ubiquitous personality behind My Life is Murphy’s Law, has deemed me worthy of an Imaginif award. It was started by Megan at Imaginif, a site dedicated to keeping children safe in all ways. I know my 15 year-old is safe. He’s a house potato like me. Yep, I know what he looks at on line, too. That’s my job!
- Steve at Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Blogosphere, 100 Bloggers, and Joyful Jubilant Learning — quite the involved and industrious group of individuals — wrote a great post recognizing my writing which always makes me puffier than I already am from all that food loving I engage in. He found me on the Technorati Billy Collins trail which I have to check out, being the Billy fan that I am. What an interesting way to be found on the Internet. Kind of like a needle in a haystack. But he found me!
Thanks for the kudos! And apologies that it’s belated. It’s heartfelt just the same. I will begin my thinking on when and how to pass the recognition along….
July 10, 2007
Sucking it up (and in) for an ocean swim.

My friend called yesterday to see if I’d like to go for a swim at The Cove early this morning. We could do that first, rinse off in the showers, then drive up to visit a friend who has adopted a brand new baby.

“How early?” I asked.

“6:45? It’s not that cold. You get used to it and the water’s calm at that hour. It’s great,” she tells me.

“I know. Sure,” I say, before I’m tempted to start whining about having to put on a bathing suit. Do I even own one? When was the last time I saw it? And when in hell was the last time I got in that water? It wasn’t the cold so much as it was the kelp and long pieces of sea grass that you have to swim through. And you can’t really see the bottom unless you wear goggles. We wouldn’t be snorkeling, we’d be swimming out to a buoy and back for the exercise. How far was that buoy?

“Make sure you bring your fins. You have some, right?”

“Yah, I have some — well, they’re the RT’s but they’ll work. I’ve used them before,” I said, trying to remember when that was, and how little his feet were then.

“Great. See you tomorrow. I’ll come pick you up. We’ll have coffee, too,” she promised before hanging up.

I woke up before the alarm at about 6am — always a good sign. The night before, I had found not one, but two suits I’d used in the past few years, and both seemed to be fine. There was no way I planned to try either on, as the idea of having to look at myself in one has never been one of my favorite things to do. Ever. No matter, I thought as I grabbed one, and threw it on with a pair of cargo shorts and a tee. I stuffed some undies into my purse to change into after we were finished with our swim, and out the door I went, already deciding that even though I was dressed for a swim, I wasn’t ready to participate.

The morning was quite grey, and not especially warm. It was very quiet out as it often is on days with heavy overcast skies. My ride came and we drove to pick up another friend before heading to The Cove. The mood was light as we drove the short distance, and they graciously listened to me as I told them I may not go in. “The water’s great. It’s only cold right when you get in,” I was consoled. “You get used to it really quickly.” One of them had brought her wet suit along, so she wasn’t the one giving me the pep talk.

But I had begun to think that something else was bothering me. Was I afraid? I hadn’t thought about that before. Although I was never what you’d call a beach kid growing up, I’ve always lived near one, and did spend more time than the average person may spend at the beach. I don’t recall being afraid. Or do I? Maybe it’s just that I have a healthy respect for the strength of the ocean. Maybe the combination of the chill of the water, the murkiness…

We were there so quickly, none of it mattered anyway. I dropped my pants and left them in the car before following the others down the long flight of stairs past the large group of people clad in diving gear getting ready to head down as well. Lots of people come to The Cove to scuba dive. As we piled our things on a rock just below the wall of the cliff, I squinted to see which buoy we’d be aiming for. It wasn’t close. My two friends had just done the swim the past two days, and were letting me know that I’d be fine, and that with my fins, I wouldn’t have to use my arms at all. By this time, I had already begun to remember the instructions I must have had many years before — kick with your whole leg from the hip, back and forth…

The small shoreline of The Cove is quite steep, the large grains of sand loose, and the surf harsh from time to time. Large rocks lie in and around the water, and sea grass is visible swaying with the constant motion of the water. The tide was low. I had goggles around my head, but decided I’d most likely not use them. So many others were just beginning or ending their swims. The group of divers had come down the stairs and awkwardly headed toward the water, lumbering, waddling back and forth to the edge — some backwards, as they already had their fins on.

The coldness of the water isn’t horrible as I step into it, but I always have trouble with the flutter of seagrass against my legs. I remind myself the water is refreshing when it’s been hot, and a bit of chill in the beginning is worth it. But once it hits my torso, the breath leaves me gasping a second or two. One of my friends holds my fins as I float in the water, pushing them onto my feet, one by one. The shore is barely two yards away, and already we have to tread water and begin to paddle. There are no waves — just large swells that carry us up and over, gently. I can tell where the kelp is ahead, as the bulbous heads poke their way to the top of the water, the very end of a long and wide rope I can’t see below for more than a few feet. Long strands of grass flow through the water in front of us, but thin as we swim farther from the shore.

The water is very salty, and soft. It takes little effort to hold myself afloat, whether I’m moving my arms or legs. I just want to turn on my back and float there, feeling the gentle lift of an occasional swell. Although I’ve been paddling enough to speed my breathing, it seems I’m not getting anywhere and I have to occasionally look toward the rocks near the cliff to measure that I’m actually getting somewhere. I can hear a seal baying on the rocks, and six feet away, one pushes its head above water before quickly diving back under. A long silver fish jumps up out of the water in front of us. I’m tempted to put on my goggles knowing that although the water seems grey, I would be able to see golden garibaldis swimming not too far below us.

The water is so soothing I could stay all day. I wonder already why it’s so difficult to remind myself that I enjoy it from one time to the next. Why it’s easier to make excuses about bathing suits and very un-tropical water. “We’re almost to the buoy — do you want to go to the next one?” one friend asks of me.

“How far is it?” I respond, thinking I might be too tired by the time I have to turn around to head back.

“The same distance we’ve just come, but it’s your call,” she tells me, knowing I’m concerned about not being able to make it. “We’ll swim back with you, and then go back ourselves. That’s okay,” she tells me, always the gracious person she is.

So we head back, passing many serious swimmers in their brightly colored caps, sporting their competent crawls and gliding effortlessly through the glassy water. They don’t seem to mind the kelp, the grass, or us — paddling at a relaxed pace, talking from time to time about nothing in particular — switching positions from back to front to relieve the tiredness in our muscles. We are quickly back to shore. “Make sure you take your fins off before you walk out,” one of my friends calls to me as they head back out. “You’ll roll over if you don’t.”

I do as she says, and still have trouble getting out of the water, going down on my knees once before finally making my exit. I turn to see where they are in the water, and notice they have already made some distance. I am tempted to get back in and am a bit sorry for not continuing. But I do notice that my legs are a bit shaky, so know it’s okay that I wimped out on the extra distance. I wait and watch those latest to The Cove readying themselves for the water, wrapping my towel about me to dry off. I feel refreshed. I have time to notice that most of the bathing suit clad bodies in and around The Cove are less than svelte. A good number of them are quite a bit older than I, but most likely, routine swimmers. I could just tell.

As the three of us prepared to head for the showers, one of my friends turned to me and whispered, “I guess it takes all different shapes,” to me as we eyed another group passing us on their way down. A young thin woman, a couple of older, heavier females, and a large man were suited to spend their time in the water as we had. How true, I thought, and how nice.

I’m glad I decided to go in, and even more glad I have friends who tolerate my idiosyncrasies with kind patience.

I don’t deserve that sometimes.

July 9, 2007
Thank you, San Diego. Please leave your trash on the beach.

The frenzied July 4th crowds began Tuesday evening. How could they not? The weekend had just ended, so it seemed that people were on simmer and waiting for an opportunity to really get going on their summer vacations. We could see them as we drove through the beach area on our way to the ball game many others decided would kick off their holiday as well. Lots of traffic, people hustling to get somewhere — anywhere — even if it meant getting stuck at the place where Interstate 8 ends at the Pacific Ocean. On that evening, there wouldn’t have been a glorious sunset to keep them entertained as they swore at each other, trying to squeeze from four lanes into two.

I’m such a party pooper. For some reason, I’d rather be an observer than a participant. People watching is far more interesting to me than putting myself in a place where I could become the object of another’s scrutiny. I’m quite capable of making an ass of myself given the perfect circumstances, so best I avoid those situations by enjoying others while they are in their element — or not.

Being one of about 46,000 at a ball park guarantees superb opportunities for people watching. But we were fairly early, so dinner was in order. The expected fish tacos never materialized. Instead, we tried the sushi restaurant. Sushi? At a ball park? The MoH has baseball in his veins, so seizing the opportunity to sit in a restaurant with a view of batting practice is seriously his cup of tea. Er, ah, beer. With edamames, please. Nope. The RT was completely unimpressed with the California Roll because he most likely had boi-gahs on his brain. But the view was very relaxing and a great way to begin the evening. Unfortunately, the MoH is a jinx, so the home team lost. Again.

The 4th was a very quiet blur with little or no fanfare. An excellent dinner with friends, with no celebratory songs of being glad to be Americans, and very little Souza. And why is it that the older one gets, the less important fireworks are? I won’t apologize for the bah-humbugging I’m doing because I’ve seen some fairly amazing fireworks shows and unless someone is interested in taking me to see the pyrotechnics competition they hold in Monte Carlo every year, then I’ll only feign interest. Actually, the view from our friends’ home is quite spectacular on a good night. But Monte Carlo?

Sadly, no Monte Carlo for me. I was more interested in heading down to the beach to walk early the next morning because I had to see with my very own eyes what the local paper had published the year before. I had to see the mountains of trash that others feel no discomfort in leaving behind after they’ve had their one day at the beach for the year. I had to see.

It was early enough by the time we had stopped at Kono’s to get our coffee that beach rental folks were barely stirring, and there was nary an officer in sight at the SDPD Mobile Command Unit trailer. But many others had already been up for quite some time. Junior Lifeguards were congregating to pick up trash; the Surfrider Foundation was organizing the clean up event; kids in summer day camp programs were collecting even the tiniest pieces of litter; men in skip loaders were gathering what the cans had held. It seemed that everything was under control. By the time that we walked by, compared to the ugliness of last year, the beach was relatively clean and it was only 8:30 am. Amazing. The greatest aspect of this was seeing people walk up to do their part just to help out.

How might it be if people took the responsibility of not leaving trash to begin with? My evil side imagines for just a second, what people would do if a garbage truck removed the trash, drove it to a neighborhood where the once-a-year beach goers live, and summarily dumped it, leaving it for others to clean it up. But that wouldn’t be kind, would it? I wonder what their thinking is? Well, it’s only a bit of trash. Someone will clean it up. Or, everyone else is doing it, so what difference does it make? People are willing to carry very heavy bags, boxes, and coolers through the sand, but can’t think for 5 minutes on how to remove something that takes up less space in their SUVs, Trucks, and MiniVans, than when they arrived. Lazy? I’m thinking it’s something more subversive, but I’m not in the mood to stir that pot right now. Think about it. I still have the Black Beast sitting in my garage right now. I could have rolled it down to the beach and left it there, right? Take some time to see what last year was like and watch this video clip .

Enough. Hope your 4th was relaxing if you celebrate declaring independence from an overbearing monarchy. I could let you in on all the tourismo “stuff” we’ve been doing since then, but I’ll spare you. At least for now. The perspective I’m attempting to employ at this point is along the lines of working to appreciate the city I have lived in since 1968. The one I often say I don’t appreciate.

The one I often consider leaving.

July 7, 2007
Internet Storminess with a Chance of Fish Tacos
For the first time that it really ever mattered, the Internet wasn’t available today. Assuming it was a glitch that forced me to get down on my hands and knees to dig around in the wires and see if everything was plugged in, reset the router, and whatever that box is with the flashing lights that has something to do with our phones, cable, and internet service, I completely avoided calling the Time Warner for quite a while. Stupid me.

There was no service available in our area. Sheesh. And right after I’d been able to finally find a new wrap for my blog. One that everyone seems to be able to see. Abe was so wrong about not being able to please all the people all the time. So what do you do without Internet?

Organize photos on the external hard drive. There’s about 17oo of them. And play around with albums and iMovies and slide shows. Oh. And ask the RT to share with all of you how tired our Big is from her race at the County Fair last week. She needs a bone, and then she’ll perk right up. Better not be a pork bone, though. Gotta wait until tomorrow for that one since NOTHING is moving right now. That stoopid little wheel is turning and turning, slower than molasses in January.

Oh, well. I just got the “42 minutes until departure time” call from the MoH. No time to do more than say I haven’t fallen off the edge of the earth. I’m still enjoying my summertime cold, and getting ready to go to a Padres game. You do know that:
- Jake Peavy is 9-2 with a 2.09 ERA and is the league leader in strike outs, right? Too bad he’s not pitching tonight.
- Chris Young is 8-3 with a 2.14 ERA and a league leading 0.88 home ERA, but nope, he’s not pitching tonight either.
So why the hell are we going then?
- Because Greg Maddux with a career 340 victories IS. And our ball park is cute. With fish tacos. Served at your seat.
Good thing I get to just sit there and stare at the grass, or the guys on the field in their spiffy uniforms. That’s always a nice distraction. And I hope our seats allow me to stare straight ahead since I can’t turn my eyes without howling silently in pain. Truly.

Does wine taste good when you have a neutron bomb style head cold?
July 4, 2007
Headaches and Old Photographs

The RT hasn’t been feeling great lately. I guess “sick” would be an accurate descriptor, and yet he’s trooped through what we’ve had going on. I think this is only the third time he’s ever been ill. Amazing, actually. He had that head-achy, eyeballs hurting when you look one way and then the other kind of sluggish don’t really care about much malaise.

I have it now.

What is it about being sick in the summer that makes it seems so much worse than just generally feeling like crap? It must be the warmth, and all that happy sunshine. You can’t exactly cozy up in a comforter, or languish in bed all day. It’s too warm.Â So I’ve been up, but not as early as I would have liked since I could feel the drum pounding in my skull at what must have been two or three o’clock this morning with the idea of a cup of hot tea wafting through my delirium.

The decadent chocolate fudge cake with cream and strawberries left over from the RT’s birthday get together yesterday perked me up a bit while I was reading the paper, but the idea of eating the rest of it just to keep myself perked up didn’t seem too logical. So here I am with you guys. I employed a new technique to claim my seat at the computer this morning by sitting in the chair in the corner of the office, casually looking at the Adobe Photoshop and Photoshop Elements for Teens book I got the RT for his birthday. You do know that book is really for me, right? Sitting in the room while the RT was surfing only lasted about 10 minutes, and then he moseyed into another room, leaving me to think. Scary when my head feels like it’s filling up with something more dense than my brain today.Â All those thoughts crashing into each other, making me wince each time I move my head.

It is a good day to think about all the family photographs my mother has been bringing to our house over the past several weeks with nudgings of, “Go through these when you get a chance and keep the ones you want. Then you can ship the rest to me in Virginia after I’m there.” There are so many of them. So many years, so many people whom I’m related to in some way or another, and so many memories that aren’t always pleasant.

I’ve wandered past the growing stack of boxes taking the time to move some of them to the landing on the stairs where they wouldn’t be such a reminder of something I need to do that I’m not always especially fond of doing. Even the good memories are tinged with a bit of sadness now that so much time that has passed. So many changes have occurred in a face, or in one’s smile — eyes that had a different kind of wistfulness than they do today. It’s hard for me to look and to not notice. To sort and choose. And to ache a bit for what used to be, or could have been.

So I’m going to treat my heavy head to Inventing the Truth: The Art and Craft of Memoir edited by William Zinsser whose books on writing have been favorites of mine over the years. Books like On Writing Well, and Writing to Learn. No, this book isn’t one of those on my stack. It doesn’t count because it isn’t fiction, and I don’t read nonfiction the same way. I scan the titles, notice the contributing authors — Anne Dillard, Frank McCourt — and skim until I settle on something that catches my eye.

Reading what others have to say about memoir will take up time. Call it avoiding setting about the task myself. You can imagine that if it’s challenging for me to look at years of pictures, that writing about what’s behind some of those pictures will be something I have to force myself to do.

With respect to memoir, Zinsser writes:

A good memoir requires two elements — one of art, the other of craft. The first element is integrity of intention. Memoir is the best search mechanism that writers are given. Memoir is how we try to make sense of who we are, who we once were, and what values and heritage shaped us. If a writer seriously embarks on that quest, readers will be nourished by the journey, bringing along many associations with quests of their own.

Who we are, indeed.Â

In my time deciding how to go about starting, or at least think about starting, I’m sure I’ll return to Phillip Lopate’s The Art of the Personal Essay: An Anthology from the Classical Era to the Present. James Baldwin’s “Alas, Poor Richard” begins this way:

Unless a writer is extremely old when he dies, in which case he has probably become a neglected institution, his death must always seem untimely. This is because a real writer is always shifting and changing and searching. The world has many labels for him, of which the most treacherous is the label of Success. But the man behind the label knows defeat far more intimately than he knows triumph. He can never be absolutely certain that he has achieved his intention.

So what would my actual intention be to write down all that I’ve kept in my head for so long? To purge myself of it? I wouldn’t want that, because it has become part of me, and not holding onto it would be similar to cutting a hole in the center of me. So then might it be so others can understand? If so, what might they understand? That you can choose to either dwell on what happens to you in life and let it mark you, or acknowledge that it’s now a part of who you are, and turn it into something you can leap from inventing yourself.

That would be a good place to begin.

I like the jaunty tone of Wendy Lesser, though in “Overture,” the first of her pieces in The Amateur: An Independent Life of Letters. She writes in a pointed, but less pedantic way of the choices we make in life, and who we are as a result of them:

The autobiographical mode implies the justification of a life, but that is rather hard to do when one is still in the midst of living it. Also, it is not clear exactly what in the life could justify it. The plan you conceived and executed? A laughable chimera, believable only when you are nineteen years old and deciding on a college major. The choices you made? But if they turned out well, you don’t necessarily deserve the credit, and if you try to take it, you will merely sound foolish or smut. Do you, in any case, make the important choices, or are they thrust on you?

Thrust? A more gentle word than I may use for some of what I am compelled to write.

Subjected to? Withstood.

Never resigned.

I need to go lay my fat head down before I topple out of this chair. My eyeballs ache. But if I stare straight ahead at my books, quietly reading, it’s not so bad. And then I can read and think about writing, instead of writing.

Instead of sorting through those photos.

July 3, 2007
Summertime Plate-twirling and Writing

My weekend started yesterday. We went to the county fair. So what, you say? Well, I haven’t been in probably ten years. Think about it: Universal Studios last weekend; the county fair this weekend. All that food, and all those people. Yet I survived both experiences—in tact and smiling. I actually had fun. Go figure. It had to be the food. I should have paid more attention to the whale on the side of the building, letting me know that I’d be as big as he, once the day was over.

I am not one to endure crowds. It’s strange when you consider that’s exactly what I did for a living for many, many years. Maybe it’s because I have finally calmed down. I’m alone much of the time, get to choose when I’m around people, and so don’t mind an occasional crush now and then. I guess that being around nearly 1,000 people daily meant that on weekends and vacations, being part of a herd of humans wasn’t something that sounded like fun. So I’m cured. Voila. I am going to have to stop eating the food that accompanies these excursions, however. Have you ever had a deep fried Twinkie? No, neither have I, but the my husband tried one. I only eyed it, sitting in all its greasy splendor while I savored my chocolate-vanilla soft serve cone. Of course, that was only a while after I helped demolish the pile of fresh fried potato chips and onion rings smothered with bacon-cheddar sauce and jalapenos. And that green-chilie burger. With mustard.

I can’t tell you the last time I saw pigs race for Oreo cookies, or souped up beach cars speed over a small dirt course in an arena. Or monster trucks. Well, I haven’t seen any of that before, now that I think of it. But it was fun. It was also fun watching people whirl and twirl on the rides, wondering whether they’d had food before their ride, and whether they had an inclination to hurl in the course of all that spinning. No, no whirling for me. The ferris wheel was more in order for the beautiful day, and the scene spread out below full of raucous color and brilliant motion on one side, the vast Pacific and cloud speckled sky on the other. Warm breezes. Beauty.

The rest of the weekend? The Resident Teen’s 15th birthday has finally arrived. Family is coming over to eat. What else? I like to cook, remember? Plus my mother is getting ready to head for VA, so we’re sort of combining the birthday with a launching. We’re going to launch her into her new life. It’s a story that has hovered near saga length that I’ve avoided writing about at this point. I’ll get around to it later, because there’s much to ponder on with respect to the whole process of her thinking about, wanting to, threatening not to, and deciding to go. To leave Paradise where she’s lived since 1968. To leave for good. I’ll get back to you on that one.

And then my husband is taking some time off. A day here, and a day there. Just enough to break up my routine of sitting in front of the computer all day every day. Just enough to make me wonder where I’m going to find the time to write, and begin to feel a bit of anguish about not writing. But it’s definitely not his fault. He’s just one of those people who has a bit of “get up and go.” Or maybe wanderlust.

How can I not write? I have to write. It’s a habit now. A great habit. One I’m quite fond of and would like to insist on time for. Don’t get me wrong, because my husband isn’t the type of person who would ever expect that I stop doing something I enjoy. Out of respect for one another, we never would do that. It’s more my problem to solve.

Writing comes very easily to me. The way I write may not appeal to all, and the topics—if you can call them that—may not be something for everyone, but that isn’t the point. I usually know what I’m going to write well in advance of sitting here and getting it down. Once I sit down and begin, the rest flows. There is little time for organization or planning in a concrete fashion. That usually happens as I mull over the idea once I’ve thought about it the day before. I no longer write in a notebook like I used to. Instead I keep stickies. They’re everywhere. It’s a bit annoying, because I don’t often look at them. It seems that once I’ve committed an idea to a stickie, it stays in my memory until used. Unfortunately, the stickies stay on my desk and in other places in the house. It’s ridiculous.

In other news, this blog is messed up again. Evidently, much of the difficulty lies for those of you who are still using Internet Explorer. Those who use Firefox have a better view. I know this for certain now, because I downloaded Firefox onto my husband’s computer. The old blog looks the way it’s supposed to. No fat, blob like font squeezed together in the center. No blank middle with the text 20 clicks down the page. Perfect. Thanks again to Phil at Thought Sparks who lends a hand when it’s most needed. He’s truly a kind soul.

But I’ve been shopping for a new theme again, and it’s fairly tedious and time consuming. Taking care of the blog takes writing time away. I still have difficulty mediating that. I do enjoy the idea of planning what it all may eventually look like, and want to learn to do the designing myself. For those of you who know what this involves—don’t tell me. I usually get where I want to go in life by the seat of my stubbornly tenacious pants. I enjoy learning, but I am not always completely efficient in the process, so as long as you’re willing to stick by my side as I figure this all out, I’ll be pleased. Of course, you do know you’re welcome to complain that you’re sick of the changes, and to stop the audience abuse. There are other aspects of life far more painful.

And then, there is my food blog, Sass & Veracity. Although I have the cooking down most of the time, I’m still struggling with my writing voice there. I speak to a completely different kind of community, so that affects the way I write. I’m working on it, though. In fact, I have to complete a huge post today to conclude a food blog event I co-sponsored with a food blogger who’s got more experience than I do. It should be up on Sunday. Make sure you take a peek.

When you wonder where I am and why things don’t happen daily here like they used to, it’s because I’m plate twirling. It’s free plate twirling, mind you.

And I’m doing it gleefully, of course. It’s summertime.

You should be plate twirling, too.

July 1, 2007