kellementology

life according to me

Category: Uncategorized

  • I Don’t Like Party Dresses

    So is your rear end dragging as much as mine is? Jeez. I’d like to get the number off that truck that just ran over me. Seriously.

    Unbelievably, I’m just now getting things back in order after Thanksgiving. The kitchen sink backed up and nothing we did was able to unclog The Clog. Of course the plumber man showed up today not an hour after I called with motorized 5 mile long snake and The Clog was history. So I’ve had to begin to carry the dishes still not washed from Thursday from the laundry room back up to the kitchen. But I’m not complaining. I’m just sick of looking at dishes all over everything. It’s enough to make someone crazy.

    But that’s not all.

    We were invited to a “Black Tie Affair.” Excuse me? Moi? The one who has practically lived in jammies and sweats or jeans for the past year? Goodness. To make matters worse, my dear MoH loves to go out in the shopping jam after Thanksgiving. It must be a type of party atmosphere to him and we sort of stroll around aimlessly, some years beginning to look for the perfect gifts for all 8,000 members of our combined families and friends’ neighbors’ brothers’ gardener’s mailperson. Yanno? Like that.

    But not this year. I was forewarned that we would have a leisurely shop for a party dress so I could get beautified for this bash where I would know maybe like ONE person other than my beloved. O.N.E.

    So with all my accumulated fashion wisdom gleaned from Stacy and Clinton egging me on, we proceeded to go into Bloomingdales, Macy’s Nordstrom, Ann Taylor, Sak’s and Needless Markup. I tried on dresses with straight skirts, and cocktail frocks with flouncy skirts. I squeezed into black dresses and dresses with net sewed over the skirt. Bows, sashes, vee necks and scoop necks. I tried them on. Everywhere I looked, I had to push through countless versions of Baby Doll dresses Babydoll Dress in every size color and shape, and resembling a baggy shirts, or large handkerchiefs with lace and a token bow or ruffle. In size ZERO of all things. I know there were tiny women when I was growing up, and there was no such thing as a ZERO. Whose idea was that? How can you have a size that isn’t anything? Black Dot Dress This one was tasteful, but it would have been nice if I could have gotten the sash around my upper torso — NOT the smallest place on my abdomen even though all the fashionistas swear that it is. Notice that the sash isn’t around the model’s upper torso. Guess my mid section is longer than hers. And maybe about 50 lbs. attached to my larger frame.

    I HATE trying clothes on.

    I especially DETEST trying on dresses.

    I don’t want to be reminded that I’ve never been madly in love with my body (even when it was seriously worth being in love with), and that the whole point to putting on a party dress is to show it off.

    So how’d the shopping go? I smiled the entire time. Until we returned home empty-handed and sat down at the computer to see if being a resident of Paradise is the problem I know it to be with respect to lovely clothing. I had that knowledge confirmed in a matter of minutes when I located several “ideas” for dresses that I’d venture out to begin again with on Sunday by myself. None of the dresses I remotely liked had been available in the stores we visited. They were available on line, however.

    Then, I made the mistake of doing a Google search for something like “evening attire for mature women.” That isn’t exactly it, but I did find a link which proceeded to tell me all the things I shouldn’t do when dressing for elegant occasions when you’re my age. And although none of it was unexpected, having the stoopid smiling witch in the upper corner of the About page whose offensive information was “printed with permission” shut me down. My smiles were over, and the humiliation of the entire experience caved in upon me.

    And so I indulged in a great blubbering, yelling, self-deprecating hate fest. Now this is pretty disgusting, because I do sort of like myself and deal with my insecurities by being humorous, wearing blase colors, less than perfectly-fitted clothing, and not looking in the mirror any more often than I need to. These techniques have gotten me by for quite a good number of years.

    But I’d rather buy lovely things for my house than ever shop for a dress. And wasn’t I pathetic.

    The MoH never quite understands how to deal with his Matilda the Hun when she gets like this. So that just makes it worse, because it feels like everything has abandoned me to my misery, and that no one has a life saver to offer me. I have to slosh through the ugliness of myself, let it work itself out, and then feel badly because my normal stalwart self vanished for a while leaving everyone else uncomfortable. And then that reaction makes me angry. Fire-breathing dragon, anyone?

    Like I said. Pathetic.

    But Sunday bloomed, and I went out. I even went to a different area of town, going into little boutiques I’d never be caught dead in because I just don’t feel comfortable in them. I even tried on clothes in them. I even allowed the shop owners to assist me. And I even thanked them for their patience as I left with nothing in my hand. Smiling.

    I did impulsively purchase a dress that I managed to squeeze into in one store. It was cute, and so I gave in, giving up my life time love affair with structure and classic lines. Think Katherine Hepburn here. But the dress was more of something Audrey Hepburn would wear. It had a bow, for gawd’s sake. A flat, tasteful bow.

    But I looked like a polska kielbasa in it. Sausage

    There were divets and lines in places the designer never intended for them to be. So I made a mental note to figure out where I could purchase some Spanx and also snagged a pair of black dress trousers for good measure. Maybe, just maybe, I’d manage to escape having to wear a dress after all. But it wouldn’t be for lack of trying.

    Good thing I bought that dress, because the more I shopped, the more determined I was to find something better. Like this one. Do you actually think I might have been able to find it on the racks? Tasteful Black Dress Um. NO. “We can order it for you and it can be here in five business days,” the clerks repeated over and over again. I could drive to L.A. faster than that. Or this one? I almost sort of kinda liked this one. Black Bow Dress I actually tried it on TWICE. It looked great with my brown socks in that ugly dressing room light, so I figured I’d have half a chance with it at the “affair.” Except the upper arm police would give me a ticket. And a “shawl” (now how long have we been calling them pasmimas, hmmmm?) was a no-no, so with a sigh, I gave up the last semblance of hope that I’d possibly wear a dress to the holiday evening event at the Hotel del Coronado.

    Hotel del Coronado

    I did finally find a pair of shoes, Black Slingbacks a champagne colored shell, and a black velvet swing jacket to go with the trousers I picked up with that dress, so my excursion and steel edged tenacity paid off.

    Wait. Pants, you say? What happened to that dress? Well, I made it back to Bloomingdale’s and found the Spanx that were going to help me look like a smooth sausage instead of a lumpy one, but there was only one “expert” available, so I never got my question answered about whether the Spanx I was eyeballing could be pulled up over my head so that after inserting my entire self into it, and then the dress, I could be incognito. It certainly looked long enough to accomplish that. A couple of eye peek holes, and I would have been set.

    My shopping excursion was seven hours long. Seven. I ended it at the grocery store, gathering a few things for the RT’s lunch this week, and ingredients for a dinner that had nothing to do with turkey or Thanksgiving. Thankfully.

    The dress is going back today. Okay, so maybe tomorrow.

    And I’ll smile at the party, enjoying all the women dressed as meringues and flamingos, butterflies and divas. I’ll be able to wear each of my articles many times again and make like a glamorous vintage movie star.

    Kate Hepburn

    And I’ll never walk down the party dress path again.

    Thanks for your patience. As I said in my previous post, I’m well behind on many niceties and duties (awards and memes…)in Bloggsville. I have been in foodland, but also have just been BLAH. I’ll blame it on the party dress debacle and then I’ll snap out of it. In the meantime, I hope you’re well. I’ll be by soon and you can smack me around for being so neglectful.

  • No letter, no time…

    Sorry…I’m up to my arms in dough, and getting ready to tackle buttercream frosting for an apple cake I’m taking to a dinner party tonight.

    No photos.

    No wittiness.

    No patience.

    Lurve you all, though.

    Oh, and at the crack o’ dawn tomorrow, an across the country IM chat while baking with foodblog buddies. My keyboard will never be the same.

    Ever.

    And I just got all the crap out of it yesterday.

    Some things never change.

  • Writing until the cows come home

    November 10, 2007

    Dear NaBloPoMo,

    My tongue’s not quite hanging to the ground yet with daily blogging, because I’ve missed very few days since I began last March. I do have the ability to write my way around any situation while standing on my head and singing Yankee Doodle. Or something like that. But I have a tendency to not write both days in the weekend because my house really does need to be cleaned occasionally.

    The other reason I may not write on the weekend is because of my food blog. It takes some time, and I enjoy spending time there with other foodies. And I fear that I neglect that world far too much compared to this one. And foodies are such a lovely bunch of people. I truly enjoy them.

    So today, I’m deferring to said foodie haven Sass & Veracity for today’s qualifying post. Even though this actually counts as a post.

    Besides, my post there is for a very worthy cause.

    And thanks to Mike at Port 16 for the idea.

    Have a lovely Saturday!

    Me.

  • To Whom it May Concern

    Dorothy, are we in Kansas yet? I don’t know what day in NaBloPoMo I’m in, but have already figured out that it’s a gonna be a long haul…

    November 6, 2007

    To Whom it May Concern:

    There isn’t one special person I’d like to address today. Blame it on Thinner. You know, that hunk ‘o metal and plastic that I step on once a week just to see how quickly I’m losing the battle of the bulge? Yes, Her. And yanno? She’s just as heartless as she’s always been. Cold, calculating bitc….

    The MoH and I started a little health plan a week ago and he has lost three whole pounds as of yesterday and I’ve lost notta-one. Zero. Nothing. Nada. I am so completely sick of this whole thing I can’t see straight. No, I’m not talking about just from this past week. Hell, this goes back months. COULD I GET SOME PROGRESS HERE, WAITER? What kind of establishment is this anyhoo?

    I don’t want any advice. I don’t need consoling, or understanding or links to research or plans or anything like that. I read. In fact, if I could figure out how to sustain life by just reading, I’d be in heaven. I read, question, research, examine, wonder. I do all that crap like breathing. I could probably spout off any fact that anyone wants to know about being healthy. But I guess I just am not willing to live on a spa diet and bust my ass an hour a day each and every day of the week. I’m destined to be a dumpling. A morsel.

    Photo 2.jpg

    What I need is a bit fat sucker machine. A giant Flo-bee. One that I can just hook up, and not only will it remove any adipose tissue I’m not overly fond of, but it will suck out the genes I have that have nudged me to this point over the years, fine American Farm Stock that I am. Sheesh. SOOOOOOOO-EEEEEEE….

    I don’t want to be skinny. Hell, I don’t even want to weight what I did when I was in my twenties. I just want to be rewarded for:

    • eating bran cereal in measured quantities (2/3 c.) with nearly fat-free milk — 1%?
    • eating wraps (whole grain with fiber…)with mushrooms, spinach, onions and other animal feed
    • nibbling at nuts and prunes
    • eating cautious quantities of food
    • skipping bread, or anything with processed white flour
    • avoiding any kind of fat — even fat that’s good for me — well except that bit of avocado…
    • exercising, and yes, breaking a sweat (at which I’m exceedingly accomplished)
    • not even looking at butter
    • drastically (gasp) decreasing wine consumption and drinking red instead of white with a calorie-less bubbly lime flavored mixer
    • eating non-fat plain yogurt by itself
    • eliminating quite a bit of meat from our diet in the past week and what meat we’ve had has been in four oz. portions
    • not intending to, but skipping a few meals, ( and boy did I pay for that with shaky, trembling legs and drowsiness)
    • not eating chips, or cookies, or candy, soda, or ice cream (which I rarely, if ever, eat anyway) REALLY.
    • when we went out last Friday, ordering a salad that I didn’t even eat all of
    • not being able to remember the last time I had pizza or fast food in any way, shape or form. Wait. I had pizza when the fires were burning — so two or so weeks ago?
    • having ONE small piece of Halloween candy
    • walking between 10-12 miles last week
    • eating only ONE piece of that luscious Bostini that I actually ended up throwing in the trash and isn’t that a complete crime for being so very wasteful…

    OKAY? Jeez. Maybe some TNT would help. Just blow the parts off me. But yanno? I think I’ll just nuke the damn scale. She’s a stupid b*tch anyway. And a liar, with that Thinner staring at whomever is brave enough to step on her ugly face. That’s what she gets for lying. Thinner Bitch_0963

    I know. I’m supposed to be patient. Understanding. Do yoga. Feel positive that I didn’t GAIN weight this week. Excuse me? I’m sick of open-minded, positive thinking, too. Seriously. A little hissy fit and some generally nasty thinking has got to be healthy once in a while. Maybe if I get really worked up here, I could burn some calories.

    Whatever.

    And the thing that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying about this is that I actually LIKE myself. Honestly. I’m not doing this because I abhor the sight of myself or consider myself to be unsightly. But at some point, I’m smart enough to know that as I age, I need to be very aware of what and how I eat, and the degree to which I exercise because I want to live a very long time. And people in my family do. Very long. And what the hell fun will it be to not be able to move, or think, or write, or create nonsense with my hands? No thanks.

    So I’ll just plug along. I’ll just accept whatever comes my way and feel thankful, feel gratitude, feel…calm. Peaceful. I’M CALM. OKAY? Photo 1.jpg

    I’m going to organize closets now. At least that way, I can actually see what I’ve accomplished and won’t have to soothe say my way to some level of awareness and understanding that will allow me to exist harmoniously with myself. What a load of horse sh*t.

    Whatever.

  • Dear Neighbor Lady…

    Is this Day 5 of NaBloPoMo? Jeez. Are we having fun yet? It has served one purpose thus far. I’ve corrected my time/date stamp and so now it’s actually correct! Amazing. Too bad nothing else is. Well, except my letter writing, which continues today and is sponsored by: Milk Bone Dog Biscuits…

    November 5, 2007

    Dear Neighbor Lady,

    I’m sorry I don’t know your name, although there’s no real reason I should. I’ve seen your house on my walking circuit for the past couple of years now, and outside of its very verdant landscaping, its situation at the end of the block, and what must be a spectacular view, it blends in with all the others. And I’ve only seen you outside once in all that time, carefully avoiding making eye contact as I passed, even though I was ready to say hello and smile, practicing good neighborlyhoodness.

    Of course, that was until you attached the sign to the front of your garage door.

    It only took a few seconds to glance around and notice that you had just finished adding upgrades to your driveway and the retaining wall surrounding the rear of your home. Although the stone, which appears to be a type of limestone is new and attractive, it isn’t something I’d choose (the flecks of ore that glisten in the afternoon sun are a bit gauche), it is an improvement over the concrete and stucco that it replaced, and I’m sure your neighbors appreciate the added value to their property and have already checked with their realtors to obtain comps and analyze possible gains that they may brag to one another about incessantly.
    What was she thinking?

    What exactly were you thinking when you wrote that sign? And what grievous error had someone committed? Surely it isn’t the eight million service and delivery people who crawl in and around our area throughout every day. Or the landscape maintenance trucks. I’ve noticed they only park alongside the curb, and never in a driveway. Was it the errant traveler, looking for a particular address who became lost and needed to use your driveway to turn around? And if so, did said lost soul make the mistake of turning the wheels of his car at a standstill, thereby making black rubber skid marks on the pristine stone intricacy of your driveway?

    I’ve wondered as I’ve walked by, and imagined you out there, down on your knees, compulsively scrubbing at the marks. Wait. No. I’ve gotten that wrong. Standing over someone you hired to scrub away the offending black marks.

    In any event, clearly, you antagonized someone out there in the world. Someone who just couldn’t let a sleeping dog lie. Someone who just had to pick up that bone you threw in your driveway. Someone who came in the night, in the dark, and most likely had their particular brand of fun marring the perfectly arranged stones in your driveway. How could you not know that there are people in this world who live for those opportunities? Who thrive on what you may as well have just invited them to do.

    Perhaps a better sign might have been: “To the Jerks in the World. Please vandalize my new driveway. I paid so much money for it, and it’s so beautiful, I think you should break your neck to figure out a way to destroy it. Please hurry.” Yes, your neighbors might have thought you crazy, just as they most likely do because you put a sign on your garage. But still.

    It must have been a mess, because I can see where the sealant has been eaten away by whatever caustic substance was used to remove whatever the vandals poured on it to damage the stone work. I imagine it’s paint, as it’s a favorite of the stupid entitled as*h*les adolescent pranksters who toss it out of their cars at night onto the freeway so oncoming cars can drive through it, not realizing they have, and then the next day when it’s too late, find a Jackson Pollack design all over the wheel area of their cars. That is, of course, less harmful that the ones who throw large rocks from their cars into the windshields of oncoming traffic. But still.

    And then you put up the second sign. I’d have never known anything had happened if the first sign hadn’t been there, because the driveway actually looks fine. The stone looks as stone should; it’s coarse and not very shiny. You know, like the stones in the roads in Europe that have lasted hundreds of years with all kinds of traffic and weather, war, and general use.

    What were you thinking? And how long will you leave the sign on your house, causing everyone to wonder what you’re really about?

    Take it down, and give yourself a rest.

    Sincerely,

    A neighbor.

    p.s. I certainly hope that you do not have a bumper sticker adhered to your car that cautions others to not tail gate.

  • Dear Mr. Eisner:

    And Day Three of my temporary existence as a NaBloPoMo-Ho begins, albeit I did experience a delay in posting as my work to sanitize, clean, paint, and redecorate the RT’s bedroom and bathroom have taken a priority. I know. I’m sorry. I promise it will never happen again. And chickens have lips.

    November 3, 2007

    The Walt Disney Company

    500 South Buena Vista Street

    Burbank, CA 91521

    Dear Michael Eisner, Chairman and CEO:

    I am taking time away from my very important task of protecting the world from the unkempt condition of my teen’s area of our home to express a few opinions regarding the impending closure of one of your Disneyland rides: It’s a Small World. Yes, I do know that everyone and their dog is most likely aware of this, and that again, I’m the last to know, but I digress.

    Firstly, I do commend your officer in charge and his or her decision. Although It’s a Small World might be considered “cute,” and does provide a message that is quite important (even though there are quite a few people who are even more less than welcoming and accepting of others who aren’t clones of their less than stellar selves) to us all, it has become quite run down and has begun to look, well — not very Disneylike.

    I do fear that if closure hadn’t been decided upon, it would begin to tarnish Disney’s ebullient “I dare you to find a cigarette butt on the ground in the park” image (one of the main reasons I love Disneyland). Not a butt in sight. Truly a wonder to behold and wouldn’t I just love to have some of your employees come clean my house something to be very proud of.
    Granted, the toddlers who most enjoy the myriad international dolls whose outdated moving parts make so much noise, the volume of the manically tedious song has had to be turned up to stifle the infernal clacking of eyelids, heads, arms and torsos animatronics are quite weary after cheering crowds for more than 40 years, will be quite sad to not be able to screech at their parents for the 10th time to take them to float through It’s a Small World. I’m already feeling badly for parents, having raised three of my own children and would have left the park if any of them had ever acted like that do understand the need for this ride. Totally.

    However, I did hear that the real reason the ride is closing is that the boats which carry visitors through the meandering little river have begun to bottom out during the course of the ride. That in the 1960’s when the ride was first opened, people weighed less than they do now, so there was no problem. But because we’ve become such a nation of heavyweights, the boats can no longer hold the same number of people they once did. This is shocking news and I for one do believe it is yet another finger that can be pointed at McDonald’s, Sara Lee, Burger King, Jack-in-the-Box, Frito-Lay, and Carl’s Jr., to name a few. If it wasn’t for the fact that companies such as these force us to eat food drenched in saturated fat against our will, then we’d still be able to ride on It’s a Small World without bottoming out.

    I do believe, however, that you could consider that the park could potentially partially share blame. I delicately submit this question: have you every eaten Theme Park Food? (Okay, so except the food in the restaurant in Pirates of the Caribbean which is pretty good…Okay, and the frozen bananas, too) It is generally worse than Airplane Food, which is seriously worse than a School Lunch.

    In retrospect, I could be talked into believing that the texture of the burgers is so much like that of cardboard, you’re simply trying to force encourage more fiber into America’s diet, but that would be a stretch. Perhaps you might consider consulting with Walmart regarding their marketing strategies. Between the two of you, a new campaign that will force entice park goers to know they want whatever it is you have on sale to eat (buy 3, get 15 free) samples from new menus could help matters. But only if those choices were more healthy.

    Think of it. Healthy food is most often served in smaller portions and is generally more expensive better for all concerned, so I’m sure you’d make a handsome profit please your visitors. And it is all about profit pleasing the customer, correct? There could be menus with hummus, and ceviche, or tofu and sushi. Baked sweet potato fries and carrot chips. Please consider this carefully, as it would not be good news to hear that the Dumbo Ride can’t get off the ground, after all, would it? Dumbo was a flying elephant.

    I do hope that It’s a Small World soon returns to the list of choices for visitors of Disneyland in the not too distant future, and that you won’t be replacing it with a ride that those of us who are pathetically trying to relive our childhood the little ones can’t antagonize their parents over enjoy.

    After all, Disneyland is for skinny people kids, right?

    Sincerely,

    Me.

    p.s. While you’re working on the ride, could you please make the boats out of something other than fiberglass? The last time we rode on It’s a Small World (much to the RT’s chagrin), we ended up with rashes where ever our skin touched the boat.

  • Dear Walmart…

    My journey as a NaBloPoMo-Ho continues into its second day…

    November 2, 2007

    Dear Retailers (and in particular, Big Box Retailers, but specifically, Walmart):

    It has been noted that you have begun to show concern with respect to your sales projections for the upcoming holiday season, and as a result, have begun to slash prices. Evidently, your thinking can be encapsulated in this concept: If the price is low enough, the consumer will want what you want them to want because you want them to and your attorneys always get what you want them to get. Simple.

    I do have some consternation about this kind of thinking. It doesn’t exactly keep me awake at night, because not much does other than my relentless hot flashing, but still, I do think about where your narrow minded economics will end. At some point, someone has to lose. With any luck at all, it will be you, and not the consumer.

    The average consumer is tired of being the poster child for your faulty thinking. Well, except for the consumers who have figured out that they can purchase until they are bankrupt, and then have all their debts excused in bankruptcy court so that someone else has to pay for it. Okay, so the IDEAL consumer, not the average consumer. You know. Honest ones. Where was I? Oh yes…

    However, other considerations force me to acknowledge that if you lose, then you will claim that you will be forced to lay off employees (when all the while your CEOs will reel in massive bonuses even after the Board of Directors gives them a vote of no confidence and asks for their resignation), who are ultimately consumers, who then have no funds to consume consumables in a comfortable fashion. A different perspective could be that if you claim to have high losses, you’ll have fewer resources (minions) to convince consumers (suckers) that they can’t live without a 50″ flat panel plasma television for $998.00 and wouldn’t it make so much sense to get your Christmas shopping done now instead of waiting because wouldn’t you like to impress your holiday guests with this new purchase? Poor, poor unsuspecting consumers will then have to find out that in order to actually see High Def on their newly purchased and initially cheap television, they will have to subscribe for HDTV service and that the industry is sort of dragging in getting more than the basic channels up and running with High Def. Oh, and that warranty? And what about those cables and energy cleaners? Not so cheap. But still. $998.00 does sound good, doesn’t it?

    I’d just like to let you know that I am one of the new “increasingly resistant” consumers that you fear. I’m not coerced by sales or advertising. I don’t make impulsive purchases because you expect me to. I have no trouble at all in resisting any remote urge to “keep up with the Joneses.” No sweat. I will not be in line at your heavily advertised 8 AM sales events with the purple kool-aid drinking lemmings who seem to live for the fighting opportunity to get their hands on a limited number of sales items, and then when they fail, shop because they’re now in your clutches, and spend money on other items. Just like you planned. And you will sigh with relief because they are not spending their money on The Dreaded Gift Card that is such a detriment to your reported earnings.

    I will be content to shop when I feel like it, purchase what I want and continue to hope that the whole point of giving is just that. And that looking for the “just right gift” isn’t because of a sale, or cutting edge, or newest of the new. It’s just the right match for the person I have in mind.

    I won’t be using my home equity like an ATM to fund Christmas, nor do I expect to charge anything that won’t be immediately paid off. I could. But I won’t.

    So just a word of advice.

    Resist upper management when they tell you they have pro-rated product coming your way. Take a stand. Let them choke on it for buying it without consideration for how much inventory you currently have. It’s really not a big deal because they guy who will get screwed in the proposition is the one who okayed the initial purchase.

    Somebody has to be big enough to stop the nonsense. Just say no! Or maybe at least think about it?
    Besides. I’ll be forever indebted to you for not having to watch all the ridiculous advertising that is sure to come this year, acting as if it can tempt me to get out my wallet.

    Good luck to you and your bottom line in the rapidly approaching season. Perhaps you’ll soon come to realize that the projected 4% increase in sales over last year is really just fine. Just practice what The Ideal Consumer has to practice: restraint.

    Thank you for taking the time to consider my thoughts on this matter. I’m off to IKEA.

    Sincerely,

    An Increasingly Resistant Consumer in Paradise

  • Loving magazines & Martha Stewart

    I have nearly every Martha published… A few people around Bloggsville have been going through their magazines for a variety of reasons. No, don’t run and hide. It’s not another meme. But I’m always fascinated when people are on the same wavelength — especially if it isn’t meme driven.

    I’ve been thinking about magazines quite a bit because I’ve gotten to the point where as much as I now have the time to enjoy them (they used to be a decadent distraction in my life I’d indulge myself with) I don’t. Most of my subscriptions have been for cooking magazines, and because much of the content is available on the Internet now, I’m feeling guilty about the paper stuffed in my mailbox each month.

    Years and years of them… I’m also feeling a bit uncomfortable about the problem I have throwing magazines away. Of course, they’re recycled in the end, but that isn’t the problem. It’s having to go through each one more time to see if I need to: 1) save the whole edition; 2) tag specific sections; 3) tear out recipes to try; or 4) just get rid of it. And they just sit. Waiting for me. Waiting in baskets, on tables, on bathroom counters, and in stacks mixed with catalogues and mail.

    So many possibilities, so little time and energy… For years when each school year ended and I actually had a week or two before special project work began (for school, not my leisure) I’d sit down with my magazines and have quite a bit of fun watching old movies and wallowing in the possibilities that each magazine contained. It was a cathartic process that helped me mentally conclude one year, and sort of erase my hard drive to prepare for the next.

    The process helped me plan projects that needed to be done around the house, too. It helped me think about things to organize, get togethers with family to celebrate birthdays, decorations to make for special seasons, and dreams to put on a list of things to do some day when there was more time, less work, more energy, and more money. Ahhh…dreams…

    Many of the projects involved gardening because we had quite a large piece of property. There was never a dull moment deciding what type of garden to put where, which seeds to plant or what perennial to become emotionally attached to. Seriously. It’s easier to think of organizing a small piece of the planet instead of the pressing grind of aspects of life that seem beyond our control. The promise of food to cook, a garden to take care of, and a house to decorate and organize has always been my idea of heaven. Truly.

    Martha Stewart Living No. 4 So it’s no wonder that I am someone who loves Martha. Yes, The Martha. My family lovingly refers to her as Moth-rah. I think the MoH came up with that one, but I’m not exactly sure. I know what you’re thinking, but yanno? I just don’t care. I don’t care that she was in jail. I don’t care that it’s been said she’s not a nice person. I just don’t care. And for those people who do? Get the hell over it. Because Martha helped me get through some very difficult years. She’s seen me through a new marriage, raise two boys into adulthood and a third into a teen, has inspired me to create two beautiful homes, and fill them with the aroma of something delicious to eat. She’s helped create many days with memories of working with my mom in our yard, planting, clipping, and admiring our hard work. Martha is the reason I was able to hang on to remnants of a life long desire to create anything and everything connected to what the MoH calls “fluffing my nest.” If Martha ran for president, I’d vote for her and I’m not kidding.

    It all started with her Weddings book, given to me by an old friend before the MoH and I were married… Or was it her Entertaining book?

    My oldest issues of Martha… I have nearly every Martha Stewart Living magazine published. Really. I don’t know how I missed out on the beginning, but my collection goes back to Number 4: Autumn of 1991. That was before the RT was born. You know I’m not the only one who keeps them, right? It’s kind of the same for those who save National Geographic. Every time I decide I’m going to throw them out, I just don’t get around to it. Or can’t bring myself to do it. Anguish at the thought. I have given some to my middle son for school related projects, and he’s *Martha lovers, please cover your eyes…* cut out some of the photos, but he’s returned the magazines. He gets it.

    I used to watch her old television show, but it’s been years. And I’m not sure why I don’t watch the new one. I could DVR it, but never think about it. Maybe it’s because all those other people are on now, and it isn’t just Martha and her obsessive compulsive drive on the most minute detail I could spend an entire half hour of time fascinated with. Totally.

    When I was very young, my idea of a good time *everyone groans and settles in for yet another maudlin trip down morose memory lane* was to go through the Sears catalogue and make lists of furniture I’d purchase for my some day house. I was fascinated with color and texture, with shape and design. The idea of putting it all together perfectly to suit a mood or a personality or lifestyle is like being able to put together a gigantic puzzle. It’s the same with gardening and cooking.

    Ironically, I don’t get the same satisfaction performing the same ritual with fashion. It just doesn’t interest me. It never has. *Oh, really, dear? We couldn’t help but notice…* But the clothes in my closet are organized by colors. That counts, don’t you think? *Yes, as a sign of someone with one foot firmly planted in looney land…*

    I miss having my head in the world that kept me from going stark-raving mad with stress from work. And I value more than I can ever say, what I’ve learned from digging in and trying new things, and for having family and friends who’ve indulged me my wannabe obsessions.

    They’ve graced me with comments of, “Martha Does Live Here,” and I’ve taken them as a compliment, knowing full well, that Martha’s businesses run due to the creativity and drive of an enormous number of very talented people. So I supposed I should say they saved me. But without Martha, they wouldn’t have had the same opportunity.

    At this point in life, if I regret anything — any one thing — painfully, it would be that I did not gain my education in a world filled with textiles and color, design and shape. That I did not choose to immerse myself in an environment organized with samples and cuttings, layouts and portfolios. That I chose instead to keep those passions as hobbies or distractions instead of a livelihood. *very, very heavy sigh*

    Okay, so that’s more than one. But still.

    It’s that time of year, and the first in so very, very long that I will be able to immerse myself in all the what ifs and begin to wonder instead…

    …How.

    Thanks Martha.

    Love,

    Kelly

    p.s. I’m sorry I don’t even have a Jack-o-lantern on my porch this year. I guess I didn’t rally the guys hard enough. Does it count that we have a few on the dining table with some autumn colored flowers? Just checking.

    p.p.s. I’m a NaBloPoMo-Ho (see pink lips above) and that all starts tomorrow. I’m going to focus my writing on letters to people. Which people? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see. If you’re interested, send me some ideas of what you’d like me to blather on about. Or would like to challenge me to write about. Keep it clean, though. Okay?

  • My Soundtrack of What Matters. And Yours?

    Oh look everyone.  Another Saturday.  I continue to be amazed that the days on the calendar just whip by with such complete disregard for the fact that I’m on the back side of a half century and it’d be nice if things could slow down a bit.  Not permanently, of course.  But long enough to allow for the extended time I require to think about things that really don’t matter in the grander scheme of the universe and the survival of the species.  I don’t know which particular species, but still.

    But there are some things that matter so much, I can’t imagine what I’d do without them.  The loss so many have experienced this past week in San Diego in the wildfires has prompted me to wonder about choosing if I had to.  But my choices aren’t necessitated by a fire.  They’re the result of simply taking stock, and acknowledging what keeps me anchored.  Understood is that family and friends are not something to be considered here.  Period.

    Solitude.  I can be around many, many people.  But I prefer not to.  I love the busy roar of a large city, but not as much as a winding road and low grass covered hills.  And music?  It can bring me to tears, cause me to dance, or force me to sing along whether there are words or not.  But even music can’t compete with my need for solitude.  The quiet I enjoy for part of every day when the only sound I can hear is the rustle of trees outside my window, or the creak of wood somewhere in the house matters.  Plain, simple quiet.

    My stove.  I could say cooking, but not being one of those Top Chef type people, I wouldn’t want to have to cook on a hot plate, or a sterno flame.  No.  I’d need my stove.  The one with the nine cheery red knobs.  I’ve heard people say they love their cars — the purr of the engine, the handling, the acceleration.  That’s how I feel about my stove.  Ah…the sound it makes when those convection fans switch on.  Vroom…vroom….It isn’t in my kitchen because its design is sleek, although it is.  Or because its technology is a wonder.  But it is pretty amazing. It’s in my kitchen because I use it.  Seriously use it and have fun the entire time.  It connects me to food and family and friends.  Creativity and learning.  Tradition and new cuisine.  It provides the peace of mind that diligently proceeding through a set of steps can provide, and at the end of them all, have my taste buds sing.  Could I have all of this without my particular stove?  Certainly.  But it just wouldn’t be the same.  It weighs a bit more than my Mac at about 1,000 lbs. so it isn’t exactly something I can ever take with me if I go.  But I’d find a way to get another.  Trust me.

    My Mac.  It has one little plug that connects it to my house.  One.  But it connects me to so much more than I can possibly be connected to otherwise.  Ironically, I’m writing this on the MoH’s laptop, and it’s fine, but it’s not my Mac.  I could make due with a different computer if I didn’t have a Mac.  I can buy just about anything I want, read (which would be another thing I wouldn’t do without because it’s like breathing), travel, learn, listen, create…But it wouldn’t be the same.  Iwouldn’t have my lovely screen, or sleek white lines, or easily swiveleing-thingy-ness.  I wouldn’t be able to waste copious amounts of time with iPhoto, or click open my Finder services for the Oxford dictionary (the Webster widget doesn’t come close…).  And photobooth, and iChat (which I’ve just learned to use).  Pathetic, isn’t it?  Don’t even argue with me about this.  I’m a goner.  And iTunes?  Well.

    Rod wants to know what’s on my playlist.  I don’t have an iPod (solitude, remember?) but I do happen to have three whole playlists on in my iTunes library which are organized very specifically.  And when I check the list of songs I’ve played most, the following come up.  They’re supposed to say much about who and what I am, or what I’ve been thinking.  But I’ve developed an odd habit at this point in my life.  I don’t listen to the words of songs.  I listen for the melody.  I listen to whether it’s written in a major or minor key, whether it’s sung by an uncomplicated voice and a single instrument, or an energetic voice and a band.  And it’s all connected to mood.  I listen when I have to write.  When I have to sit at the computer and am easily distracted.  I play it loudly, singing along — whether there are words or not.  So I’m not sure what these particular songs say about me.  I’ll have to think about it.  But I’ll have to figure out what the words are first.

    She Is     The Fray     (40)

    Snow     Red Hot Chili Peppers (37)

    Betty     Kate Walsh  (26)

    Savin’ Me     Nickelback (25)

    If it Makes You Happy  Sheryl Crow  (25)

    In Need  Sheryl Crow  (24)

    What About Now  Daughtry  (23)

    When the Lights go Down  Faith Hill  (23)

    Photograph  Nickelback  (23)

    Over You  Daughtry  (22)

    Squeeze Me  Diana Krall  (22)

    You’re Still Here  Faith Hill  (22)

    Slow Like Honey  Fiona Apple  (22)

    Tonight  Kate Walsh  (22)

    Nearness of You  Norah Jones  (22)

    This post was sponsored by Robert of Miscellaneous Ramblings who inquired about “Three Things I Wouldn’t Let Go,” and Rod of Inside Rod’s Head who insisted that “Our Players Don’t Lie.”  The links provide the directions which are blissfully uncomplicated.  Yes!  There is a meme god in the sky.

    What do you think chick, vanessa, paisley, meleah, mel, jenny, phil, rj, scott, and micki (whom I know has a “meme-free” zone, but am asking the question anyway)?  It’s an interesting exercise combining the two…I’ll have to do some analysis on it after I figure out the words of the songs I’ve listed.

    Have a splendiferous weekend.

  • Get Out Your Deflector Shields

    Yanno, I was going to have a lovely, quiet morning. Feh.

    After a much needed eleven hours of sleep last night (evacuated relatives, non-stop fire coverage, no school, no work, and a busy Las Vegas weekend) I stretched, poured my coffee and began to plan my day. Fire coverage is dwindling (thankfully and finally), the Santa Ana winds have completely died, and fire fighters are focused on what’s remaining — still a concern, but nothing like it was even a day ago.

    I was cozied up to the MoH’s laptop (instead of my beloved mac since the RT is home and is putting in iTunes time) getting ready to do a bit of research on a recipe I’m going to tackle and I came across this article.

    Dunce Cap Remember when I had the nuclear melt down over the Jeep Princess a week or so ago? Well, that was mild in comparison to the flare of heat I felt when I read it. The rush of anger, barage of razor sharp opinions, and flow of thoughts bottled for the better part of a year made their presence known. Matilda the Hun is alive and well in the smoke-filled skies of Paradise.

    And to put the turd in that caustic punch bowl…

    Dub-yah just landed in Air Force One to survey the burn areas.

    I was going to go get paint for the RT’s room, which we’ve been sanitizing and organizing together. Miracles do happen. I was going to be physically constructive for the better part of the day instead of exercising my agile fingers and brain. But the article was a serious deterrent. And Dub-yah is guilty by association with NCLB.

    Before I really get going, consider this: In his sophomore English class, the RT has to read whatever he wants — at least 100 pages a week. No big deal. He has to keep a list of what he reads and make a couple of entries in a notebook. No guidelines, just a note or two about each item he’s read. At the end of six-weeks, the teacher will go around the class, look at each list, “pick one of the items on the list” then expect the students to write about that item in class for a grade. Can the RT do this? Of course. The kid reads. He always has. And yes, he can write about what he reads, if the teacher is willing to subject herself to his tortuous handwriting. But what is the real point of the exercise? To catch the students who can’t, don’t, or haven’t read? Or to confirm the original assessment that their writing skills are seriously lacking, and that even though you haven’t taught them anything to begin to correct this problem, you’re going to test them? A test is supposed to be a measure of more than just a student’s learning. It’s a measure of the effectiveness of one’s teaching, also. Or the quality of the test. Or the material taught. Or the motivation of the students. Or the motivation of the teacher. Okay, so this is going no where fast.
    This video sums things up fairly well.

    Until everyone — EVERYONE stops thinking that “things” should remain the same as in the good ol’ days, and that what and how you and I were taught should be fine because “we turned out just great…” then we’re part of the problem. Unfortunately, a very large portion of the teaching force is part of the obstacle to change. A huge number of teachers are reaching retirement, and although many have had productive careers influencing countless children in positive ways, the sheer idea of having to learn radically different techniques that involve a strong understanding of how technology works is something less than attractive for many. Not all. Many.

    Those interested in learning are facing obstacles caused by the dysfunctional system, the equipment, and the often less than knowledgeable quality of support staff. I’m sure I’ll burn with the politically incorrect in hell for making these statements — another problem. The world of education is quite two-faced. Face to face, it’s all peaches and rainbows. Behind the scenes, it’s all snarking and biting. It would make a terrific reality show.

    There are newer, more idealistic teachers coming into the profession, some of whom are from different professions. And yes, they have much to learn from their more experienced colleagues, and should definitely listen. But it rarely works in reverse, and that’s too bad. Why is it that as we age, we close our minds? We think those younger than us, or from outside our system, lack knowledge and ability. We forget how we felt when we were their age, and what we knew. There is a very odd culture within the educational system that is unlike that of others who understand the value of working together, and sharing ideas. Individuals in the medical profession, engineers. There seems to be a fear that prevents the development of an intellectual community within the educational system. That if you gain certain heights, you’ve forsaken the masses, and are to be questioned. What is that called?

    No, not all teachers exhibit that level of closed mindedness, but many.

    I’ve raised three sons who are pleasant, productive people. They’ve watched some television, played some video games, played some sports, and had to endure some chores to earn an allowance. And they’ve had quite a bit of time to learn to entertain themselves with books and hobbies. To use their imaginations. To feel boredom and develop a willingness to do something about it.

    Unfortunately, they’ve also had a fairly lack-luster experience at school with primarily lecture-driven instruction supported by textbooks that are so sanitized it’s a wonder the information inspires any degree of critical thought. They’ve had county schools, city schools, Montessori schools. They’ve had experienced teachers, new teachers, engaged teachers, and people who should have been encouraged out of the profession before their second year. They’ve attended low-performing schools, mediocre schools, and extremely high performing schools. It doesn’t seem to matter. We’re good at perpetuating the notion that learning occurs in a box in this country. Extremely.

    It would be so easy to launch into a diatribe on parenting at this point because parents are the primary responsibility for their children. But if society acknowledges that not all parents are capable of raising their children appropriately (and they’re not because anyone can have sex, and unfortunately children can’t choose their parents), then the educational system has got to provide. (Rush Limbaugh is probably choking right now…) And what is provided can’t be the same across a district, or a county, a state, or the country. That thinking persists because it’s easy. That thinking persists because we’ve been doing it for so many years.

    That thinking will persist until the people who work in the public education system work together to change their thinking.

    It’s not challenging. You just have to be willing to wrap you head around the idea that things are possible instead of not. It’s called optimism. Optimists are shot down in the educational system. Those who stand out and work to achieve different possibilites are frowned upon and talked about. Surely, innovation is suspect. Negativity and snarking about “the pendulum” swinging back again inevitably begin. How nice to be able to act in such a sanctimonious way. To think that the kids are going to hell in a hand basket and that you can’t do your job because you’re not being given the same material you used to be given.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but school is supposed to be a place where you actually learn, and not show up to show what you know. Increasingly, it needs to be a place where students learn HOW to learn — impossible if someone is standing in front of the room talking and then assigning homework. When’s the last time you had to sit in a room and just listen to someone who couldn’t possibly know all he or she should know to teach you? Fun, wasn’t it? And yet we subject our kids to that.

    I’m not suggesting that educators aren’t intelligent. No one in any profession can possibly contain all the information necessary to truly teach. Things have changed. Information is available everywhere. Students need their teachers to understand what and where the sources are, teach them how to discern credible information from what is faulty, and push them to develop their own hypotheses and investigate their own theories. Publish their own findings. Constructively argue the validity of their own findings.

    Teachers are the key. They have to be. They can’t continue to complain about their administrators, the parents, the students, the lack of materials, lack of technology, support staff, pay, and stress on the job. All of those issues can be part of the problem, but when has complaining accomplished anything?

    This rant is far from done. But it’s all over the place today, and god forbid that someone out there correct my choice of syntax and punctuation (which is much easier to do than use the questions I’ve posed to analyze and evaluate their own part of the problem).I respect the fact that anyone can stay in a profession for their entire career. That they can look back on their accomplishments and feel good about them. That they can speak as an “expert” because of that experience and make comments about “what the problem is” without considering that they, too, could have a share in being the problem.

    That it can’t possibly be only the students. That it can’t possibly just be their parents. That it can’t possibly be just the administration, or the lack of funding, or the feds. That maybe. Just maybe. They are partially to blame because their thinking, their strategies, their unwillingness to become part of a solution, take action, and let go of their negativity, could be part of “the problem.”

    When you examine the lives of individuals who are successful, and listen carefully to what and whom they’ve been influenced by, rarely to they say it had anything to do with their education. And if it does, it’s a dedicated teacher here or there. A coach, a professor, a dance instructor.

    Ask a writer whether he or she learned to write in school. Rarely, if ever, are they able to attribute their skill, talent, and passion to any writing teacher — unless one considers a particular author a teacher — and I do. So do they.

    Ask yourself to what extent your education inspired you. And not just through the K-12 years, but beyond. And then wonder what works, for whom, and why?

    Or just pat yourself on the back that you made it to the end of this.