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Saturation point
saturation (sat-u-ra-tion)
noun
The state or process that occurs when no more of something can be absorbed, combined with, or added.
This would be me on food.
Eating it, looking at it, purchasing it, cooking it, cleaning it up, and most of all — writing about it. I’m saturated. In fact, I’m probably super-saturated, but I won’t go into that because I’d have to Google the term to remember what I learned in chemistry a million years ago.
But I’m there.
I’m hoping my brain will thank me for easing up on it, because at the rate I’m going, being one-dimensional is right around the corner. Although I’m sure there are some perks to being one-dimensional — like being able to fit in tight spaces, weighing less, qualifying as a cast member of The Real Housewives of You Fill in the Blank (or all three simultaneously) — but I’d rather not find out.
I don’t want to have to follow “expert” advice about how to improve Google rankings, or format posts, tag photographs, or use social media to improve traffic. Focus? Why do I have to have one? It makes me weary thinking about it.
Licking my index finger and holding it up to see which way the wind is blowing is good enough for me. If anything, it would allow for the unexpected instead of the planned. Whimsey. Bird-walking.
No lists. Ugh.
Instead, a promise to myself to enjoy writing — for me.
And guess what? I found a writing group that will start meeting next month — nothing formal — just show up with a notebook. They supply the prompts.
I’m thinking this will be a hellavalot easier than losing 50 lbs.
Wait. Isn’t that sort of where all of this started?
Go figure.
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Cats and morning routines on cold days
Last month when the rest of the country began to complain about the seemingly endless amount of snow they’d been buried beneath this winter, we were basking in sunny days, warm breezes and average temps hovering at 70. I had a suspicion we’d get hammered in February, and although the hammering may not be quite like that of others — say Fargo — it’s all relative. When it drops below 50 here, it’s cold.
At just over 18 months, and with outside privileges still reasonably new, Lizzie our fierce kitty hasn’t factored weather into her day, which begins about 6:30. She waits quietly for the MoH to make it downstairs, exercising even more restraint until I appear to take care of the morning cat meal. Precious, the old one, waits by the stairs, and I brace myself with a cautionary grip on the handrail knowing Lizzie will launch herself down the stairs, hitting only one of six in her flight to her dish thereby letting everyone know her day is wasting away. She preens past the old one’s dish as I spoon the wet food over the dry, and has finished licking the juice off the plate before Precious arrives at her dish, casting Lizzie a look that confirms her patience is all an act and that she has no manners.
Lizzie could care less.
I can hear her yeowling and know she’s perched on the big chair near the patio door, a wild look in her eyes and ears set in anxious impatience — up and back. She wants out. She wants out now. We ignore her for the most part while making toast and tea or coffee, mimicking her cries consolingly and reminding her to wait until the MoH leaves for work. This made complete sense at one point, because I imagined she’d hear him go out the front door, follow him to the car, then risk being in the wrong place at the wrong time when it seems the entire neighborhood is headed to school or work each morning.
I’ve had to remove a few cats from the road in my life, so the decision to let one go outside comes with much thought, caution, and worry.
In the past few days, we’ve had rain and are expecting more this weekend. It’s always welcomed as far as I’m concerned, but Lizzie isn’t thrilled to have puddles to avoid on her way out the door. Focused on the hummingbird that seems to have been taunting her lately, she inadvertently steps in one and recoils, shaking her paw as if in pain, then darts back to the door which I’ve already closed. Of course I get up from the cup of coffee cooling too quickly on this chilly morning and let her in, knowing she’ll want out in a few minutes.
Yesterday, I caught her trying to scale the back wall. I’ve always been thankful that as feisty as she is, she’s also a bit skittish, startled by loud noises. She, like Precious and sweet Blackitty before her, had never been curious about that wall, so I was surprised to see her leap nearly to the top. It borders our patio from a two-lane street which is busy with traffic at a few points during the day. The one I’ve seen other cats use as a sort of path in the evening when they’re headed for whatever nocturnal mischief our cats are never allowed to find out about. I yelled at her just as she was ready to pull herself up over the top and she fell back to the ground, running from me, knowing that I’d put her back in the house while I stayed outside without her.
She’s been in and out probably 15 times since I’ve been sitting here, or puttering about the kitchen this morning, Sometimes, she’ll call to me from the door, and when I go to look out at her, motioning to open it, will run to flop on the dusty flagstones, wanting me to come outside with her. It works, of course, and I’m distracted from this, from the fougasse finally ready for the oven after being forgotten last night, and from other things I said I’d get done today.
I rub her belly noticing the warmth of the sun on my back, and eye the pile of rocks waiting to be cemented to the planters. I should be out here, not sitting in the house. I should bring some more rocks up from the garage. Should mix another batch of cement. Get another six feet or so finished.
Lizzie is distracted by yet another bird and darts away, leaving me to return to the house, to this, and to the mess in the kitchen left from the fougasse. If I hurry, the mess will be clean and maybe I’ll be able to spend some time out there with Lizzie in the sun before the clouds roll in.
I can see her out there now, waiting for me.
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In my past life…
When I look at various places in England, I can’t help but think that’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s a strange feeling. I drop the man on Google maps street view and have a look around knowing that it’s a place I want to be, no matter where it is. I’ve been there before, and it’s the only place I didn’t want to leave.
I could spend a lot of time talking about reincarnation, but I won’t, because I have a trip looming with last minute details nagging at me.
Have you ever felt you weren’t supposed to live in the time you’re living in?
If it wasn’t nearly 7pm which means I’ll need to go downstairs to make dinner, I’d tell you what I’ve felt: that I belong somewhere else. That I’ve been there before. When I see images of it, I’m reduced to tears and wondering why.
It’s a bit unnerving.
I’ll have some time to think about this when we’re in England over the next two weeks, and I’ll pay close attention to my reactions.
It’s a bit strange, don’t you think?
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Notebooks and silk undies
One week to go before our trip to the UK, and I’m busy printing things for the MoH’s notebook. Because he’s not involved in the planning, he’s often out of the loop outside of our discussions about a trip, when I can’t keep one more detail in my head and have to unload. Bear in mind we have about eight books on travel marked, tagged, and dogeared I’ve been using for the past many months to get ready, but he likes his notebook.
In the long run, he’s not as technology oriented as I am, unless it has something to do with fantasy leagues for sports he enjoys, so the links and maps I’ve created probably won’t be used all that much. In this day and age, if you have a laptop, then all the reading can be done like that instead of on paper which can’t come close to providing the same amount of information. Do you get to use the Internet on flights now?
Hmmm…
I need an iPad.
Seriously.
You agree, right?
It just might be a last minute shopping item along with the silk underwear someone told me I’d need to pack because it’s so cold in the Cotswolds at this time of year. Silk undies? It would make sense to explain that I’m more of a flannel person, and that the thought of trying to keep warm in something like that is interesting.
Really?
I’ll think about it.
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Billy Collins and stiff upper lips
I love Billy Collins. He makes me think differently about the things I think about. His sometimes irreverent, and certainly candid perspective always stops me long enough to think: Really? Do I need to take myself that seriously? It’s refreshing.
What’s not refreshing is that in this month of heightening everyone’s awareness about breast cancer, and celebrating survivors and their warrior stories, I’ve just found out my aunt has bone cancer.
Stage 4.
Meds to help her pain.
My mother beside herself with it all, but sporting a stiff upper lip.
All I can think of is how my aunt always has that knack of making things seem funny with little or no effort, a tough thing for some. She’s one of those people everyone else wants to be near, soaking her up. But I’ve always thought it was at some detriment to her.
I could say more, but it makes me sad.
I know I’m supposed to have a stiff upper lip and all that sort of thing, but I suck at that. People just think I’m good at it.
Pardon me if I don’t put up a yellow ribbon.
But I’ll find a star and put her name on it tonight.
I will.
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All Summer in a Day
It’s funny that when you’ve waited long for something and it finally arrives, time slows to a crawl. It’s there, right on your doorstep but not quite ready to enter because it’s not quite time. I’m not the only one affected by this because I can hear my son in his room next door not doing much of anything. Yet again, checking the insistent tone in my voice, I’ve had to tell him that he needs to pick up his room. That I do not want to be left after we’ve dropped him off at school to come back home and see what’s left of his teenaged boyness strewn around the floor and on every surface, forcing me to acknowledge for the thousandth time how fast time passes. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was suspicious that I had plans for his room in his absence. Plans like, ridding our house of all evidence of his having inhabited the space for nearly a decade and putting up ruffled curtains, or painting it pink.
I’m sitting here instead of forcing things to move along more quickly in the day, but it’s conditioned response. My reasonably gentle prodding requires being within earshot of him to make sure he’s doing what he needs to do to get ready. It takes more time in the long run, but it’s good for me on the patience practicing front, and it’s good for him because let’s face it: he’ll be doing all of it on his own after tomorrow without the up close and personal variety of insistent prodding or reminders. They’ll be relegated to email and Skype instead.
Have you washed your hair? Done your laundry? How are your classes? Is your roommate a nice guy? Are you brushing your teeth, flossing your teeth, staying on top of your organization?
The contents of his day-to-day existence have steadily begun to fill my office — stacks of jeans, shorts, and tee shirts lining up against the bookcases. We stand looking at them as if they were something remarkable.
Me: Are three pair of jeans enough?
Him: I probably need a couple more.
Me: (holding up a dingy yellow tee) This one’s seen better days. If it’s a favorite, leave it here, otherwise, throw it in the discard pile.
Him: What’s wrong with it?
And then another laundry lesson begins about light colors being separated from dark when the weekly wash is completed. He’s been doing his laundry for a couple of years now, but I have to make sure, telling him something he knows already.
Economy sized bottle of detergent. Check. Even larger economy sized toilet paper package. Check. Body wash, shaving cream, toothpaste, dental floss…check. I wandered through the book section at Target last week after sending him off to get his personal supplies, the image a doting mother leading her 18-year-old son around to choose his deodorant not appealing to me even though I know he wouldn’t mind.
The sounds of hustle bustle next door have stopped again and a quick look around me reveals a few more items lying in wait– guitar, art supplies, a few of his favorite books — but I can tell he’s once again parked in front of his computer. The computer that’s staying here. The new laptop arrives today, just in time to be experimented with and the Wacom tablet hooked up to make sure everything works. Are 24 hours really enough for a day like this?
It’s 10am and things are finally going into the soft duffle bag with rollers we purchased a few years ago with this very moment in mind. Thankfully, there’s a second for the bits of this and that he’ll need — things that feel semi-familiar.
Will you have your own desk? Is there a lamp? Are there hangers in the closet? I’ve asked all these questions before and have been patiently told, yes. Yes, they’re all there. But what about something for your desk? Something to keep pencils in, or folders for important papers? He and the MoH were there on a dorm tour recently, so I’ve been assured that everything is just fine. But no mini fridges, no microwaves, and no used furniture is allowed. And definitely no pets, which is sad for Lizzie who clearly loves him more than anyone else here. He’s had to push her aside more than once as he filled the large duffle bag, trying to keep her out of it. For now, she’s content to make a nest on the clothes he’s put aside to wear tomorrow, her paws kneading the worn fleece before settling down to bathe, confirming that he’ll have cat hair on his clothes when he leaves just like any other day.
By this time tomorrow, we will have dropped him off at his dorm and helped him carry everything to his room. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to meet his roommate, but I’ve been told he thinks he can handle making his bed himself. Of course this is something I’ve always known, but he’s yet to make his bed once in his life, so the experience should be interesting. Bear in mind I’ve not made his bed many times, either, but I can think of many things I’d rather do than to make up a bunk bed. I wonder if he’ll have the top bunk or the bottom?
He’s semi-packed now and in the shower. We’re off to get his bi-annual haircut, pick up some new earphones and maybe assemble a junkfood stash for his dorm. It would be perfect to be able to put him in my car so he could take care of these last minute things himself, leaving me to fuss over the details, but after all the hassle of getting his driving permit, lessons, practice, and a last second driver’s test, he doesn’t like driving. Go figure. At least he’ll have some ID, right?
I wonder how he’ll feel about being in a big city away from just about everything he’s always known and depended upon?
Oh, my.
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Empty Nest Syndrome
It’s been just more than a month since I finished my year’s obligation and I’ve busied myself with all sorts of things I wouldn’t exactly describe as constructive. The weather here has been far less than summery, with the only warm day arriving today when within sight of the Pacific we’ve actually mustered up an admirable 82 degrees. With an almost non-existent summer, I can only say that constructiveness must be connected to the things I expect at any given time during the year. A matter of rote. Habit.
Better said, I’ve been spending my time processing the fact that I not longer work doing something I’ve done for more than 20 years, but this time for good. I’ve also been processing that after mothering three boys, my youngest is headed off to school, leaving the MoH and I with a seriously empty nest. I think that, more than anything, with all of its unknowns, has caught us completely by surprise.
It’s a bit of a choking sensation for me, felt when I least expect it. It overwhelms me with its intensity, and I unrealistically imagine bears and woods, sinking boats, and other disasters I can’t help my son from. How ridiculous is that? Seriously.
But we still need to find our corners occasionally to weep silently in the middle of an unrelated conversation until one of us notices that the other has stopped his or her side of the conversation. And then one of us knows. We know that the empty nest syndrome has enveloped one of us and so the other quietly excuses him or herself to allow the sorrow to pass.
What the hell.
This should be a time of celebration. It should be a time for looking forward to all that lies ahead. The future. Opportunity. Yadda yadda yadda.
I try. Honestly, I do. And it works most of the time on most days.
I busy myself with planning a trip to the UK in the fall. As someone who lived her professional life married to a school calendar, trust me. I want to travel in the fall when everyone else is at work or in school. It’s just that one moment on that one day on that one afternoon. All it takes is a look, and then I’m toast.
We’ve purchased bedding for his dorm room. We’ve paid for the housing and food. We’ve reviewed books and supply lists and have made plans to purchase them here then drive them up. But time is dwindling. More than 30 years raising boys. More than 20 years teaching other people’s children.
It will take a bit of time to adjust.
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Almost a Year
I’ve been awake for hours trying quietly to relax the pace of my heart, breathing slowing, drawing huge breaths in and then letting them go. It works most of the time and I can close my eyes and find a cool spot on my pillow to lull myself back to sleep, but it didn’t work today.
No, today is important. Today is the day that I can, after a bit more than a year, actually see the light at the end of the tunnel, and although I’m not quite there, know it will come. All the students are finished and have gone home, but the finishing touches of yet another school year are left to be completed, so I’ll busy myself with those in much the same way one fits the remnants of a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle together, glad to be done with it.
I’ve missed quite a few things in the last year if you consider that the several before it I was able to write down my reactions to events in the world, to note the often quiet passing of time, or not so quiet family milestones. My writing stopped here, and although I tried to jot a few things down on a calendar kept next to my bed, with the exception of a few desperate bursts of anxiety, that stopped as well. I funneled what little energy I had into my food writing, but even that has slowed to a trickle. Not so surprisingly, the 365 project has saved me, allowing me to “say” something — anything — each day since the first of the year with a photograph.
Salvation.
When I scan through the shots in my iPhoto library taken in the past year, much of what I’ve taken has been of food, and if you know me, that isn’t a surprise. What you may not realize is that each of those photographs tells me so much more than what I was learning about a particular recipe I’d tried, or a meal we might have enjoyed. They help me remember where our lives were at a particular moment that no one else would understand when looking at them, like the bagels I made last June when our old doggo Jones could barely move. That was when we took her to the vet for some pain-killers and bought the non-skid treads for the stairs so she could follow me around like she always has. Or the Bittman salads I made through the summer and into the fall thinking, surely I can keep this going and stay healthy, keep my food writing going, and divert my attention from what I was doing all day to something sustaining in the evenings. There was the bakewell tart around the time of my son’s first shave, and the amazing peanut butter banana mallow mars I made about the time we got Lizzie to brighten up our lives, making us laugh when we most needed it.
In a year’s time we’ve had a family wedding, succumbed to a brief, but nasty run in with H1N1, watched another niece enter college, wished my mother and her Romeo bon voyage as they set out to travel around the country, and sadly, mourned the loss of our dear, sweet Jones who passed on to doggy heaven the day after Thanksgiving.
This year has also been my son’s last year of high school, and one marked with the added surprise of his having to ride a bike to and from school each day — a ride that is downhill all the way, and of course uphill all the way back. If you know the hill we live on, then you might understand his feeling of accomplishment the first time he made it all the way to the top without having to get off and push his bike the remainder of the trip. You’ve missed what could have been my raging at the injustice of having that bike stolen the very first day of school, and then my response of simple acceptance and the purchase of yet another bike.
I traveled to participate in my first food conference in San Francisco, we made our annual trek to Las Vegas, and then pathetically, I dragged myself into the holidays and right up to January 1st when I decided to join so many others in taking a photo a day. I can look at each one now and say that pictures do paint a thousand words — words that I’ll most likely never write. My husband has heard them all and it has been far less than easy. Poor man.
Going back to work for a year has added 25 pounds to my already padded body, has challenged me to keep up with any kind of routine diet or exercise, and has caused me to think critically about my health and life in general more differently than I ever have. However, I can be thankful for construction bills now paid off, and tuition for my son’s first year of college. I am happy for new friends and interesting people I’ve met and worked with. But I’m especially grateful for the opportunity to know that when I left my profession the first time, it was the best decision I ever made.
This time, it’s for good, and for all the right reasons.







