Can someone please tell me what in hell is going on with all the spam already? It’s completely out of control. Wasn’t the Spam King thrown in the slammer? Well, at least one was, but wait, isn’t this guy a spammer, too? And, uh, this one? Okay, so maybe all the spam spawn have hatched, or closet spammers have come out to infect the rest of us with their completely ridiculous crap. Who are these crack dwellers?
I’ve thought about this. I picture a seedy room with an unkempt individual who hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks, (no, not me — my office is pleasant looking) and is maniacally hacking into others’ computers, networks, and lives. I know. Pretty naive, huh? Okay so my revision of this diabolical scenario would be that the sleezy creature is wearing Gap cargo pants, flip-flops, and a Grateful Dean tee (a Beatle shirt?) cracking its whip at a bank of orgasmic spam bots. (You, Too Can Have A Home-Based Business). The whole concept is just bizarre. And I just don’t see how they can actually make money.
Seriously.
Well, so maybe they do make money. And the source quotes that “spam will overtake human-sent email sometime in 2007.” So, I guess that time is close to being now. And AOL will change their little email voice to greet people with, “Damn. You’ve got Spam!” At least I haven’t had to deal with the fake greeting cards. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
I’m sure I’m not alone. Yes, of course this site gets spam, but Askimet catches 99.9% of it and all I have to do is open my spam window and flush the toilet. Right now, it’s a toss up between the guys who are rabid car sales freaks and the seriously pathetic cockroaches who all want us to sport enormous penises and engage in unmentionable activities with various and assorted females, males, and sheep. Honestly.
Sheep? Ahem.
And then there is the email spam group. Unfortunately, that’s primarily my fault. You’re all dying to know why, right? It’s Friday. You have time.
Well.
Last October when I was beginning to feel as if my entire life was ready to cave in, (tune in to channel 11 on Telemundo…) I began to think about Working From Home. Big. Mistake. All you have to do is have an inkling of a glimmer of a seed of a thought, and your phone rings all day. Your snail mail box begins to fill with offers of wonderous wealth, and spectacular imaginings of shiny, sleek cars, McMansions, and yachts the size of battleships. And the email. My goodness. You get to learn about what affiliates are. You get to find out who The Rich Jerk is. Sorry, no link. I don’t want to encourage him. And don’t Google him, either, unless you love being verbally abused. Okay, so if you like Dr. Laura, you might enjoy The Rich Jerk.
At one point, I physically couldn’t keep up with the amount of pure manure I was receiving. It took a good amount of time each day to filter through it to find real emails. Nearly 2,000 of them. Yes, I know. Why didn’t I get another account? Uh, I’m stubborn? I shouldn’t have to? I didn’t ask for the spam mail? I know. I should have gotten another account. You’re correct. Print this and frame it, because I never concede. Never.
Anyway, the most annoying of the emails must come from some pyramid scheme having to do with home mortgages. They have continued for more than 10 months now. Long enough for me to wonder what the hell is going on when I don’t get one. The poor saps have been sold a list of names (mine must be on 10,000 of these lists) and told that whomever is on the list is a “lead.” You know. I’m going to be a sucker, respond to their email, and then they’re in. Someone, somewhere told them they could make a zillion dollars doing this, Working From Home. They’d be able to get hold of me and sell me something. Anything. Because I was desperate. Uh…not. Delete, delete, delete. And I completely love that there isn’t a link to “unsubscribe,” like I actually subscribed to something in the first place, allowing them to send inane emails. I don’t want a free laptop, a Gucci purse, fake Rolex, or any of that Adobe software that is discounted 75% with a poem thrown in for good measure. Huh?
And I definitely, absolutely am not interested in “Extra Size your man unit with Extra Size Plus.” Man Unit? Uh…No. Do people actually answer those emails? They can’t. Really? If you’ve actually gotten something worthwhile from one of those stoopid emails, I’d love to hear about it. Well, not if it’s about the man unit.
Speaking of subscribing. Don’t tell me I’m the only one on this earth who has clicked on a link to see what is “free” and then before you blink, you’re getting items in the mail that you are automatically billed for. And it’s a recurring bill. A big one. Hoodia? Did I order that? “Ma’am, it was in the small print. And I actually lost 10 pounds on Hoodia. It is pretty expensive to grow,” the phone person confided.
Whatever. Just don’t ever answer your phone when the area code is 866. Ever.
Or open the grant writing disk that comes in the mail.
Or the foreign language instruction cd.
Coffee beans from Florida (huh?)
Secret shoppers offers.
Travel club teasers.
Graduate degrees.
Affiliate this, affiliate that.
Employment typing at home.
And no, I don’t want a free Kaboom thingy to scrub my toilet with unless you’re going to send someone to scrub it for me as well, thankyouverymuch.
OR, an exclusive membership to a secret, ancient organization of people who have been wildly successful and are eye-poppingly wealthy. Totally creepy. Didn’t they make a movie about this starring Tom Hanks? Jeez.
I was able to break most of the connections I had with all of the crazies who seem to be Pod people from the planet Twylo people like you or myself, and who were stuck with a name to contact. They’re just trying to make us all want to reach through our monitors and rip their eyeballs out of their sockets Earn Money From Home.
Although most of the emailing nightmare was months ago, a new wave has come, and I think it’s because instead of just deleting the emails, I’ve been clicking the unsubscribe link. So call me Pollyanna for truly believing that since they legally have to post that link, I should be able to click it to be removed from their list. Excuse the hell outta me.
Whatever. So I’m gullible.
And since everyone now knows this, if you’re going to send me spam, could you just spell correctly, please? Would that be too much to ask? And use English at least semi-properly.
Or teach the bots how to spell since the mud suckers haven’t a clue. Shit. They must have skipped Kindergarten. And I thought there was No Child Left Behind.
p.s. Don’t ever believe anyone on the phone who says they will build you a web site with guaranteed traffic to a site like Amazon or E-Bay. A “website” that is something I now know enough to put together myself. A website that will somehow make you money. In your sleep.
It was an expensive lesson.
Yes, my mother did teach me not to talk to strangers.
And yes, I do know about that statistic on suckers.
Hook, anyone?
